Preparing for Baby Loss Awareness Week

Baby Loss Awareness Week is the 9th-15th October. This is the week where we are encouraged to raise awareness of the experiences of baby loss, and the overwhelming feelings and lifelong consequences it provokes.

By sharing their stories, this can help both the people who have experienced such loss, and those who hear their tale to understand a little more of what they have gone through. Support can be shown and awareness raised by wearing a ribbon on a badge, which easily attaches to lanyards and jackets. On the 15th October, globally recognised as the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day; people are encouraged to light a candle to create a Wave of Light.

I have already purchased my badge, which took less than a week to arrive. More information on where to buy a badge, and other ways of raising awareness and breaking the taboo, can be found here https://babyloss-awareness.org/get-involved/ this includes a list of charities that sell the badge.

I chose to purchase my ribbon from the Miscarriage Association website. This site was so helpful to me for providing information, particularly at the time of choosing my options (both my miscarriages have been missed miscarriages therefore I've needed to choose how to complete both miscarriages).

My badge, alongside the card from the Miscarriage Association 

There is no "At least..."

"At least you know you got pregnant"

"At least it happened early on"

Picture credit: Pinterest 

When others say "at least you know you can get pregnant", it's so uninformed and hurtful. Scientifically, getting pregnant is nothing short of a miracle. You have to release an egg, and that egg has to meet with the sperm and then allow a dominant sperm in, then travel to the right place in your body; duplicating cells and ensuring 23 of his chromosomes and 23 of yours are all configured and good to go; your progesterone levels have to keep rising and form a plush uterus, the baby's home for around 40 weeks...

The thing about miracles is just because it has already happened, there is no guarantee that it will ever be able to happen again. Have these people who say "at least you can get pregnant" not heard of secondary infertility?? I've met, on our 3 years journey, many people who tried for years and years; many until their fertile years actually finished; to extend their family. They had already been blessed with a child and desperately wanted another. It was not to be for them - they were not able to have a sibling for their first child. This is secondary infertility. But, some would say, "hey, at least you know you can get pregnant". I can imagine that is not helpful whatsoever in that situation!

Another reason this awful saying is just that - awful, is the fact it's trying to down-play your current grief... A more polite, 'acceptable' way of saying "there, there *pats back patronisingly* oh well, you can just aim to replace that baby". I saw a quote on Pinterest that said something like "if my baby dies, you simply tell me to have another, but if I were to lose my mother; would I infact want another?" It's making the very valid point that there are certain people in life who are irreplaceable. MY BABIES ARE IRREPLACABLE. I cannot simply 'get' or 'have' another baby, that will not replace the grief of losing my two.

Another major issue I have with this ill-intended phrase is - how do people think myself and my husband will ever be prepared to go through this harrowing loss a third time?? I certainly do not feel emotionally strong enough (or stupid enough) to risk putting myself through this a third time. That is, afterall, what you sign up for when you risk getting pregnant. Miscarriage is a very real threat and happens; so taking on a pregnancy is taking on also the risk of losing the baby. My husband has said he would feel "beyond cruel" ever expecting me to sign up for that risk again - emotionally it's the worst experience, and physically it's awful. He is adamant he never wants either of us to go through this again. I feel the same. Don't get me wrong, a part of me will always want a baby. A child who we can bring up, teach right from wrong, teach some Spanish and Maths to, take to Adventure Parks, show off to my family... and if someone were to guarantee to us both that if we got pregnant a third time, we would be handed a live baby; one to take home, call our own, register and share our surname with; we would jump at the chance. But we feel after a gruelling 3 years, someone somewhere is telling us "STOP. You are not meant to have a live child". It has been trying to tell us this for 3 years now and so far, we've ignored it. We both feel it's time to start listening. So, you see, when people say "at least you know you can get pregnant", this is not a comfort to me. It's actually more like a tease "you got pregnant, but nothing came of it... Keep putting your life on hold just in case you get pregnant again."

I also know that my anxiety would not be able to cope with a third loss. My OCD is at new heights, my anxiety over losing those closest to me is overwhelming and my worries that a third pregnancy would end how the past two did - with the baby dying; it's too much. Too intense. Pregnancy destroys every aspect of your life; and now in one flippant phrase, people are suggesting I do it again?!

So, saying "at least you can get pregnant" causes great upset. It is not scientifically guaranteed that you could repeat the act and fall pregnant again; with or without fertility treatment IT IS NOT GUARANTEED. And, the phrase assumes you have the STRENGTH to do it all again, which many people won't have. It also assumes that IF you got pregnant again - it'd stay alive. 

"At least it was only early on" insinuates that the baby (or babies) were less important . My babies may not have had the time allowed to them to grow legs, hands or eyes. But they all had a heart. They all had a head. They all had genetically a part of my husband and a part of me in them. They still fed from my body. No, I cannot share a cute picture of my babies with you. I cannot buy clothes for them. Nor a cot, a pram or toys. They did not make enough of an impression on the world. Only I felt my stomach and breasts expanding; my uterus growing to incorporate a growing gestational sac. Sadly, because I am the only one to have experienced my babies from the inside out, and my husband witnessed this from closely by my side. This means my babies did not make enough of an impression to any of you - that does not mean they are less important. So no, not "at least it was early on" because, maybe if it hadn't have been so early on, more people could have got attached to my babies, and more people would be able to mourn them fully - maybe that would help ease my grief; which, as comes with early miscarriage, often feels so solitary and lonely. 

I am not saying late miscarriage, or infant loss, is any 'easier'. Not at all, in fact, I can see many reasons why it would be even more harrowing - many reasons. I am simply trying to say - my babies mattered no matter how little time their hearts were beating. They were here for long enough to capture pieces of mine and my husband's hearts and take them away with them. They matter.

Instead, when you hear someone has lost their baby please please please just be in the here and now with them - do not try to cover up their grief. Simply say "this loss you are experiencing now is horrendous". Because, it is.

I will be known as The Lady In The Red Dress

I was in H&M looking for work clothes, and came across this soft, finely pleated dress. Now, I know I'm not going to wear it to work but as soon as I tried it on, I began twirling this way and that in the mirror! I could just picture myself wearing this coming up to Christmas season - red is the colour to wear in December.

It's a loose fit - perfect for extra mince pies, large roasts and Celebrations! The material is soft and flexible, with small vertical pleats. I usually only shop in the Petite section of shops but as H&M unfortunately don't have this, I debated about the length of this dress and its arms. Petite usually fits me perfectly everywhere, whereas non-Petite have extra long arms as well as the obvious longer hemline.

I twirled out of the changing room to get a second opinion. It was so comfortable and I loved it, but was worried about the size. My husband gave it the thumbs up - so it has now twirled its way into my wardrobe ready for the festive period!

Change of season calls for new...

As the leaves begin to change colour and fall to the floor, the nights draw in earlier and the occasional sunshine is accompanied by a cool breeze; the change of season calls for some changes in fashion...

As most of you who have followed my blog for a while will know, I don't like the cold and the winter months. I much prefer sunshine, longer days and warmth. Therefore, most seasons changes, I feel the need to mark with some new purchases; I suppose it cheers me up!

After suffering our second miscarriage, I feel the need to spoil myself. I went into Boots and Essie were doing the deal of 3 for 2; so I couldn't resist!

To begin my autumn spree, which was very modest today as we didn't have long at the shopping centre; I took advantage of the deal and bought 3 different shades. I'm sure I'll post the other shades soon, once I've tried them.

The first new varnish I wanted to try today is called "Clothing Optional" which I thought was a funny and quirky name! I love the Essie names of nail varnishes.

"Clothing Optional" is from the 2017 "Wild Nudes" Essie collection. It is a taupe shade, like a pale chocolate, as in the pictures below. 

The coverage is perfect with two coats. It is so smooth and even when painted onto the nails. I always use an Essie Top Coat, so the shine is always there; I love a shiny finish on nails! I found that "Clothing Optional" dries pretty much the colour as you would expect from the colour you can see through the bottle.

I feel this shade is perfect for wrapping chilly hands around a warming mug of hot chocolate!

Second Missed Miscarriage

This missed miscarriage is a mystery. 

I had an early private scan where a septum was seen in the gestation sac; splitting it in two. There were two yolk sacs; all measuring well. I just had to wait for the twins to grow so we could see them both on an ultrasound... We were so shocked that this is looking like a twin pregnancy! The couple who are infertile have made not one but two babies whilst not even trying! I started to panic about what to do with my pride and joy; my two-seater sports car!

At 7 weeks I got the SOREST lower back in the world. Just walking down the street would bring me to tears of agony. Apparently, according to the forums and websites, this is common when growing twins...

At just gone 9 weeks I started bleeding. Spotting at first. It was strange; one hour it'd be heavy and red, sometimes clots, and other times barely anything but brown or pink. Very baffling. Apparently, according to the forums and websites, this is also common when growing twins...

I had an internal examination at 10 weeks and my cervix was closed. This is a good sign; it means that physical miscarriage is not imminent. It means my cervix is not expelling the contents of my uterus. I had to wait 6 days for an ultrasound as that was the waiting time; they were booked up. In that 6 days both my husband and I constantly talked to our two babies and I constantly rubbed my tummy. We were so happy to hear that my cervix was closed. Also, whilst at the internal examination, they had taken my bloods (more blood tests! I've had loadsssss this pregnancy!) and my HcG level came back "higher than average" it should be around 25,000 at 11 weeks and at 10weeks 5days mine was over 27,000! This, apparently, is another strong sign of twins! My midwife was really happy to see my HcG results and we felt so lucky. Despite constantly seeing blood (which messes with your mind) I tried to stay positive. 

So, I'd been told my HcG level "shows a very healthy pregnancy" and the fact my cervix is closed is a very good sign. These all helped add to the false hope I experienced.

We went for our scan 6 days after the internal examination. At the scan she just sat there jabbing me internally with the camera. She was silent and staring at the screen. I thought "ha! She is shocked that there's two in there!" We'd had a private scan, which the NHS don't take into account so hadn't listened when I'd said potentially twins!

I had to say "can you see anything??" And she didn't answer. Legs akimbo, on stirrups, screen turned away from me, I was helpless and needed answers. Anything. I looked at my husband and repeated my question "can you see anything??" He shook his head with tears in his eyes. You see, at 10w5d, a baby should be forming nicely. Unfortunately, our baby was measuring just 5w3d. How is it that I'd been carrying a dead baby for over 5 weeks and not known? How had it not started to come away yet? 

The sonographer was very blunt and uncaring "in my professional views, this is 100% a failed pregnancy, but I can't diagnose that until 10 to 14 days time after another rescan".

They are not allowed to take into account how I know that my baby is definitely dead (based on my dates) - I simply knew I could not be over 5 weeks out with my dates.

I spoke with the lady on reception who found out from a doctor the options for missed miscarriage at my local hospital (last year I was under a different hospital as we'd lived in a different area then).

It turns out my local hospital does not offer the same operation as my other hospital does. They make you have a general anaesthetic whereas at my old hospital, I had an MVA (Manual Vacuum Aspiration), where I was allowed gas & air and was awake through the procedure (yes it hurts; you can read about my first MVA here http://kerridiary.blogspot.co.uk/2017/02/my-micarriage-operation.html?m=1 )

I telephoned my old hospital and explained my situation and preferences. Although I'd been told to wait 10 days "in case there was any change" (like my dead baby was going to miraculously grow!!) 

I visited my old hospital with my report from the ultrasound at my local hospital. They were able to rescan me and tell me the baby was no longer there; it had likely absorbs into me or had come away although I hadn't had anywhere near as much blood as last time. I like the thought that my baby is now absorbed into my body - is a part of me physically as well as emotionally.

I opted, as the gestation sac had decreased in size, to have medical management instead of an MVA as the doctor believed that would be better. I now have to wait until a few days before my 30th birthday to see if this procedure has worked or if I need an operation (which I'm hoping won't be the case as the operation would be either my birthday or the day before my birthday which I'd prefer not to have on my 30th birthday.)

I don't understand why we were dealt this, if we weren't allowed to keep it. We had come to terms with never having a child. I'd bought a sports car and we'd booked a 5* once in a lifetime trip to Mexico (which we had to cancel due to the Zika virus) and were planning our 2018 and 19 holidays! We had come round to thinking that having a child wasn't something we had to do anymore. So why were we dealt this; allowed 11 weeks to fall in love with our baby (or babies as we thought) then had it cruelty taken away?