(5) The Day Our Lives Changed Forever (again)

The following week came, and with it sleepless nights, worrying and excited at the same time to see our lil bean again...

Some days whilst pregnant I am using the toilet more times than others. It was 10:20am I'd been 4 times during the night then around 8 more times since waking and getting ready.

I was in A LOT of pain waiting for my ultrasound (unbeknownst to us we had a 40 minute wait!!) I was deep breathing and gripping the chair. Now, my pain threshold isn't too poor and I was in agony. One of the ladies waiting told us "you can't struggle on like that - tell them"

The unsympathetic lady on reception told us "you need a full bladder but as you have a slight wait of 20 minutes (liar) you can let some out." 

So I did. Every 5 minutes I went back into that toilet until I was called. I was in so much pain it felt like I was being ripped from the inside. I said to my husband "I can't have someone touch my abdomen, I'm in too much pain, this isn't normal" I hadn't even drunk the full amount they'd recommended. 

I went in finally, they asked why I was back so soon (7 days after my last U/S) and I explained.

Now, down to business. Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "Oops, bladder too full I literally can see nothing" I said "seriously?! I'd more or less got rid of over half about 4 minutes ago!" (I'd got sick of waiting in so much pain so had more or less felt I'd emptied!)

She asked me to go and let 'at least two thirds out. Delighted, I did.

Back again (more comfortable now)  

Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "How is it still sooo full?! Do you mind if I do an internal ultrasound?? I still can't see from the abdominal one"

Although I've found most of my internal ultrasounds more comfortable than the abdominal ones (they press sooo hard!) I was dubious - I'd read in my research that total pelvic rest was best when a subchorionic hemorrhage is detected. I explained my worries and she said "us and the doctors are sure that will make no difference, besides I couldn't see an area of blood. I obviously won't do it if you don't want, but I recommend" I was a bit annoyed, I know it had to be painful last week but the lady then had got all she needed by persisting with the abdominal U/S.

I turned to my husband and he straight away said "do it"

Back to the toilet - empty bladder required. Bliss. I was grinning now. I was excited to see a less grainy image than last week too! And I wasn't in pain this time! Bonus!

So, no stranger to transvaginal ultrasounds, my lower layers of clothing were off before she could finish her instructions!

In it goes, I felt no discomfort at all. 

Well, not physically.

"I just need a colleague to come and look at something for me" - assistant runs out the door and brings back said colleague. Because enough people haven't seen my nether regions in the past 2 years!

"I can't see an area of blood at all  but I'm afraid there is no heartbeat, I'm so sorry"

Stupid fucking machines. Really, why is she using a broken machine to check for my baby's heartbeat?! Fucking amateur. {sorry inner thoughts}

Baby was measuring one day bigger than last Tuesday, not 7 days bigger as expected. It was so beautiful and peaceful on the screen - there's the sac, there's Lil Bean. Just, as my husband put it "no beacon of light" this time.

I'll take this opportunity to mention my husband has been to so many ultrasounds (every single one in 2 years) he could be a sonographer. He later told me, after leaving, that he panicked the very first time - he was looking for the flashing heartbeat but didn't see it. He'd hoped it was because of the full bladder but from the internal, he lost hope before she even said those words.

Anyway, I expressed my annoyance in the proper British way - passive aggressive. Overly polite then turned the air blue. I told all 3 (whilst still having something big & bulbous stuck inside me) that their hospital was shit. That their staff were awful. I explained the useless doctor's refusal to scan me last week - I could have saved myself a week of hope if she'd just done her job. They sympathised, of course.

I then visited the gynaecology department. They are soooo much nicer to you there when you walk in and announce "my baby has no heartbeat". No hard plastic chairs, no 3-6 hour wait. No useless doctor telling me I don't matter.

My 4 options were explained to me. In short, wait and revisit in the comfort of your own home when your body catches up with Lil Bean's. Take a pessary. Surgery under local anaesthetic. Surgery under general. The lady was lovely. I think she had a tear in her eye when I told her I don't ovulate naturally and this took almost 2 years to get to this stage. She told me I didn't have to make any decisions now. She told me, she's been working here a year and had recently got told "1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage". 

I took in enough of it, and was given a booklet of step by step information to fill the gaps.

My body is, at the time of writing this, still very much pregnant. Nausea, (very) frequent urination, strong food aversions, strong cravings, major breast engorgement, bloating. My body is still walking around proudly saying "look at me, look what we made and I'm holding and keeping safe". It hasn't yet got the memo that Lil Bean stopped the ride. It got off.

Well. Next tell both sets of parents. Tears ahoy.

Back home, read the leaflet. After reading every single awful word, promptly throw booklet across the room. Then throw my useless half-full box of Pregnacare across the room. 

"Stop the ride. I want to get off."

None of the options right now are viable to me so I guess I'm waiting. Waiting for my "just making sure your machine wasn't on the blink" scan on Thursday 27th (I'm writing this the morning after the internal scan on Tuesday 25th) then waiting for an epiphany.

Now, I am one strong character. As is my husband. We've both suffered countless losses in our lives.

But let me tell you, if they gave me that booklet and made me read every single word, told me the new figure is 1 in 3 pregnancies end too soon, before giving me fertility treatment. Made me face up to one of these disgusting 'options' having to be put upon my body and mind, I don't know if I'd have ever taken those Clomid tablets. 

I'm sure that may change over time, but right now that's where my head is at. Please don't get me wrong - every Clomid hot flush, headache, abdominal pain, every pregnancy symptom, every hospital dash, each worry, every single tear - was worth it for our Lil Bean. I did not once complain, I went with the flow of a difficult pregnancy, as I knew we were getting our sheer miracle Lil Bean at the end. I am not coping well emotionally and I'm petrified of making the wrong decision and making my body poorly on top. The risks of the surgery options make me worry for our future; if we're ever brave (and stupid) enough to try again. The emotional risk of waiting it out is wringing me (and hubs) out already.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. No one promised you a baby at the end of all your hard work. That's life, life is shit.

But I'm alive. I must keep that going because I am alive. Being alive is not something to be taken for granted and I intend to live everyday showing our Lil Bean (who is up there safe now with her grandad, great grandads, great nans and all the others) that I am not taking my life for granted.

So, what now? Well, now I feel a sense of peace about the future that I have not felt since December 2014. I'm going to go with that and see where it takes me.

EDIT: We went to our scan on Thursday 27th. They tried to take me in the same room. I began shaking, repeating 'no no no no help' and crying (yes, in the middle of the waiting room surrounded by 10 pregnant people and 5 members of staff). Thy took me to another room. 

Turns out the machine wasn't broken. Our baby has died.

Now I'm still pregnant but won't have any baby to physically show for it... But I am a mummy. We conceived, made a baby that made it to the size of a raspberry; a ladybird. Now the next hurdle is when and how our baby will be coming out... 

More waiting! I should be a pro at that by now! The hospital said they give you 2 weeks to see if it happens naturally in that time. If not, you go back in and re-discuss the options. My husband joked "so we're on the Two Week Wait again then? We're no strangers to that are we darling?!!"

(4) These things are sent to test us

Our happiness was allowed to manifest for 3 whole hours.

We visited a shopping centre and stopped at a nearby restaurant.

As I always need the toilet recently, I went to the restaurant bathroom before leaving.

My world span. Deep red/mahogany blood; as heavy as AF.

Fuck.

Excuse my language but if you've ever been there, or you've ever wanted a baby as much as we do, or you've ever fought as hard as we have to get to this stage, you'll know there's no other word but FUCK.

I almost walked through the wrong door out of the bathroom I was so daunted.

Tried to phone the hospital; no answer. Of course, people aren't allowed to have a problem outside of the hours of 9-5 are they.

Straight back to the hospital. This time a slightly shorter wait. This time a less sympathetic 'doctor' refused to do any tests. I kinda understood why - as there was already blood, she didn't want to irritate it further.

I spoke to my fertility nurse the next day, who then insisted on booking me another scan for exactly a weeks time to check baby. She said she wasn't sure if they could get me in the next day but she'd check but my body just didn't feel up to that so soon, and the 'doctor' the night before had told my husband in no uncertain terms that a baby can't die over just a few short hours (how naive were we to listen?!) You have to listen to your body and mine wasn't ready to be poked and prodded yet again so soon. She asked about the bleeding and any pain. I was pleased to report there was no pain (odd for me - pretty much the whole pregnancy was peppered with different pains and aches!) The bleeding had also tapered by the time we were home from hospital - to more of a brown spotting. 20 minutes after I spoke to her, I had some mahogany blood again instead of spotting but it was so light in comparison to AF I rode it out and within several hours it was back to brown spotting.

I've done some research and discovered I probably should have been warned by the sonographer that I may bleed due to the area of blood.

I tried to relax and was worried (petrified) my scan would dislodge more and my life would be a carousel of scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, until June. I also briefly had an illogical worry we wouldn't see a heartbeat but was reassured that the amount of blood I saw was not the contents of a womb coming away. I was also reassured because I googled Lil Bean's heartbeat and am proud to report it was BRILLIANT! Not on the cusp, not a single concern. Nice and strong. The size was measuring spot-on to the day too! 

Just the matter of this bleed - called a subchorionic hemorrhage. I did some research and found it is a complication. It does have the potential to cause heartache but resting seemed to be the way forward. Looking at my paperwork, the size of Lil Bean's gestational sac was HUGE in comparison to the area of blood. This is good news and meant, with rest, I could dare hope the blood had either absorbed back into my body, or the bleed on Tuesday had dispelled it. 

A lot can change in a week.

(3) Lil Bean's Early Scan 6w4d

I was vaguely reassured by the internal exam (although of course it caused a little more blood - typical for me).

The blood was gone by lunchtime the next day. I rested up for a few days and generally spent every moment worrying but trying to think positively.

Everyone who already knew, were pinning a lot of hope on the scan I had booked for when I was 6 weeks 4 days. My fertility nurse had ordered this early scan as there was a chance I would be carrying 2, 3 or 4 babies as I'd had 4 developed follicles at my Clomid scan.

I had read that seeing a heartbeat wasn't guaranteed during your 6th week so I (as usual) assumed the worst - that I would not see a heartbeat yet.

We arrived about 10 mins early for our appointment. We were far from strangers in this department - I'd had lots of ultrasounds previously but never for this before.

I couldn't help but feel excited! 

We went in (I was absolutely BUSTING to use the toilet!!) and the lady had to press quite hard to get what she wanted. She kept saying "you've been through your fair share of transvaginal ultrasounds so I want to avoid one now, if possible".

I mentioned the spotting that had taken place 6 days previously. She said she'd look out for a reason.

Then... "WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!" The lady excitedly exclaimed! 

Our miracle Lil Bean

She took all the measurements she needed, and kept pressing very hard. It was very painful. I kept asking "are you SURE that's a baby??" She was laughing and saying "yes!"

As we'd got our fluttering on the screen we'd so desperately hoped for, I did not have to have an internal ultrasound (which was strange but nice as they can be uncomfortable but I'm so used to them!)

The lady said "I think I've found why you had the spotting last week..." It turned out there was an 'area of blood' in my uterus. She did not seem bothered by this at all so neither were we!

We were given our grainy pictures of our little miracle - half of me and half of him all nestled into MY body. Wonderful. On top of the world is too low to cover how we felt.

We rung our mums and gave them the happy news.

(2) The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

Somehow I waited until the Saturday morning to test.

My one main concern was what do I do in the event that I come on AF on a Saturday?? Can I still start my Clomid the following day?? Even though I'd need a scan booked before taking it, which I can't book over the weekend. 

You see, I always avoid pregnancy tests. Everyone knows they're evil - far too negative for my liking! I wait until the latest possible time to do them. What has always happened in the past is I take the test once it's been over a certain amount of time (around 30 days on a medicated cycle as I've seen how developed the follicles are and can predict ovulation, 38-40 days on a non-medicated cycle because let's face it, ovulating unmedicated is like asking King Henry VIII to stay single!) then once I've had to take a test, I come on AF that day. Just to cement what the tests have said. This has been the norm for every month I've been forced to take a test - each month I've been 'late' (is there even such a thing as being late with PCOS??!)

I woke up the Saturday absolutely BUSTING to use the toilet whilst it was still pitch-black out on Saturday morning. I never sleep through the night without using the toilet once anyway. I usually last mostly until around 4-5am so that's not too bad, and it's normal for me.

I knew I needed to do a test as I'd still not come on, and it was cycle day 30 & 16-18 days after suspected ovulation (an ordinary cycle is considered around 14 days from Ovulation to AF) I HATE PREGNANCY TESTS!!

I checked the time upon waking, after going to bed around midnight Friday night... 2:18am WHAT?! I needed the toilet so badly I was in pain. I googled "how long to leave it until FMU (first morning urine)" and the general consensus was 4-6 hours.

I was seriously not able to even consider that... So I waited because I felt like I had to... In pain...

Then checked the time again when I just couldn't take it... 2:30am.

It was going to have to do, and if I got a negative (which is what I was expecting of course) I would just have to do another with Sunday's FMU to cement it if I didn't start to bleed later on Saturday.

I did the test, I turned around, put it on top of the toilet, turned back to pull my PJs up, glanced round and TWO HUGE DARK PINK LINES were staring up at me, daring me to believe it!! They say wait 5 mins but my goodness it had only been 20 seconds maximum!!

I was shaking more than you could ever imagine. I re-read the instructions - surely they've changed the design of the tests, that 2 lines must now mean Not Pregnant like I've always been before?!

I ran back to the bedroom and grabbed my mobile - I needed hard, physical photographic evidence of this to even begin to start believing it!

I went to get my husband. I woke him and said "I need you to come with me to do a test, I want you with me..." We held hands on the way to the bathroom. I pointed to the test on top of the lid - he then shouted "IT WORKED!! It worked?!" We hugged, both ecstatic. Nothing could touch us in that moment...

We excitedly sat and worked out our EDD (9th June 2017) then chatted and chatted and squealed and embraced.

At 4:30am his work alarm went off so he'd only had 2 hours sleep!

By the time I woke up around 8am, alone, I was convinced it was a dream. I sleepily rung him to check... To which he replied "go and look in the bathroom if you don't believe it - the evidence is there - I looked just before I came to work!"

That was the Saturday, two days before my birthday.

We had so many celebrations coming up and everyone seemed overly interested in the (clearly non-alcoholic) contents of my glasses!

From the day I got the positive result - I had cramping. The sore breasts continued until the Tuesday... Then I started to panic. 

Most of my symptoms were waning/changing.

I spoke with my fertility nurse who assured me they will come and go so not to look too much into it.

As I'd had 4 follicles grown on Cycle Day 11 there was a chance of twins, triplets or quads depending on what had released, when & met the sperm... So she booked me an early scan for when I would be 6 and a half weeks...

My eternal happiness lasted approximately 24 hours from that test; then reality hit. If I lose this lil bean, where do we go from here?? Everyone knows how common miscarriages are, especially in the first pregnancy. But I can't lose this baby - it's not 5 weeks old it's bloody 22 months - I cannot do this all again!! I found myself waking through the night, not concentrating on work, just worrying at every waking and sleeping moment. The level of stress and worry I felt, I can't describe. The amount of love for this lil bean there are no words in any dictionary to tell the depth of it; I felt it so strongly already.

A week and 4 days after that delighted Saturday, I'd had one, maybe two, days reprieve from the period-type pelvic cramping.

It came back with vengeance that day...

I tried not to panic (failed miserably) and then that afternoon I encountered the dreaded spotting. Pink smears, then brown...

I phoned my mum & hubs and he met me at the local hospital.

6 hours of waiting later, a doctor internally examined me (I was terrified this would harm the baby but was assured it wouldn't so I have to trust...)

He saw a "tightly closed cervix" which is apparently really good news ...

(1) Clomid Month 2...

I was so, so down over the 2WW (Two Week Wait) of my second month of medicated cycle. I kept seeing pregnancy announcements, Throwback Thursday's of positive tests & close-up scan pictures, hearing talk about babies EVERYWHERE.

I didn't dare dream of anything and simply logged my symptoms daily so I could keep track.

I'd been to my normal post-Clomid scan on cycle day 11 from taking my 50mg Clomid on cycle days 2-6 again.

At that internal ultrasound, we were told that FOUR follicles had grown - one 20mm, one 18mm & one 14mm! I was shocked as this ovary the previous month was still polycystic, with no dominant follicle. The other ovary at this second month's ultrasound had a further 19mm follicle totalling 4!

I was told to expect to ovulate within 12-36 hours...

And was instructed to NOT use the trigger injection I'd been prescribed the month before as, in the words of the fertility nurse, I was "over-cooked"!!

That whole following week (6 days in total) I was in pain. I had deep pelvic cramps and a warm bath barely touched the sides. It was so confusing - what was going on?! Had I ovulated?! Was I getting OHSS?? Was I left with an over-grown cyst that had failed to release??

Anyway, the 2WW was excruciating. The over-riding thought in my mind was "why would it happen this month?! It never has before"

I had one symptom that felt slightly different... Nipple soreness (hey, no one said it would be glamorous!) 

Wednesday afternoon (cycle day 27) at work I got really hot and felt sick. One of my colleagues winked conspiratorially at me... To which I snapped "no I won't be pregnant - that kind of things happens to other people not me!!" 

I'd been suffering hot flushes and headaches throughout this cycle so the uncomfortable temperature I felt, I simply put down to this.

I was expecting to start Cycle Day 1 by that Wednesday; Thursday at the latest as if I'd ovulated 14-16 days earlier I was due to come on at any time now...

Clomid month 1 - all of the feels

I assumed (naively) if they give you medication, you would trust it and just flow through the weeks but no, I'm worrying about EVERYTHING! It's like a plug has been let out! And I said, if we ever go on to actually have a positive - I'll worry all through the pregnancy, then I'll worry for every day of it's life!!

My experience of my first treatment-aided month...

I was so, so scared of taking Clomid. I'd heard some real horror stories of how it's affected others. Other than one really random (but awful) headache on CD14, I couldn't detect any side effects my first month - which I'm hugely grateful for. About a week after suspected ovulation, I started getting VERY VERY irritable, snapping at people and my patience was on ZERO.

I took the tablets on days 2-6 

My ultrasound scan was on CD12 (they like to do it on CD10-14) 

It showed one large follicle - already measuring 21mm (my condition means my multiple follicles never grow past 10mm so I don't ovulate with a dominant follicle) the second was 17m, and a third if it felt like it could have also gone on to release because at CD12 it was already 14mm. The sonographer said "it looks like you could end up with twins, if all three go - triplets!" My lining was measuring 8.5 and he said "this is out of a text book - perfect lining" 

We were both delighted - hopping around! I even fist pumped and hissed "yesssss" whilst still on the table in stirrups. I know this sounds stupid but I feel this is what it must feel like to see a BFP! The elation, the knowledge your body is actually working. We must realise, this is NOT a BFP by a long shot - I am now just as fertile as the other already naturally fertile females in the world and our actual chance of conception is only slightly higher than a non-medicated person's.

He said "next month, collect this prescription on your way to your scan, I want to do this trigger shot" which is an injection that makes the egg release... But I wasn't to have it this first month, we were to let nature take it's course now...

I then googled. I read that Clomid is very good at growing follicles but them not releasing which would end in an enlarged cyst which often causes pain. You cannot take your next month of Clomid with one of these, you need to wait for it to shrink. But they don't offer a scan to check if the egg(s) actually released. So it's all a guessing game. I then wished I'd insisted on the trigger shot.

Because of my condition, it is not recommended to rely on OPKs so I've not bothered - they were always so wrong for me in the past. We didn't want even more pressure on us this month. The same as temperature noting, it never works for me, so it really is a huge guessing & waiting game.

I never prepared myself mentally for a medicated 2WW. Put it this way, the last 2 weeks, have felt like 4 years. My goodness, it's gone slow! Symptom spotting, googling (til I was banned by hubs) and convincing myself I am defo not pregnant. Why would I be?? We've done everything right but things still don't work out for people who do everything right. Our stress levels are higher than usual because of our house move being messed up the week of exchange (it all comes at once doesn't it) 

Also, that lubricant they use during the ultrasounds, maybe that has ruined our chances? Maybe because I'm too negative (not allowing myself to believe it'll happen) I've ruined my own chances? 

Then, when those AF pains & signs start sliding in, you start trying to trick yourself, your body "nope that pain COULD mean pregnancy not necessarily AF..." You reluctantly enter them into Ovia to keep track for your following months & appointments all the questions you know you'll need to answer. Even Ovia starts betting against you "you reported . . . . This means your period is just around the corner!" Yea thanks! The realisation hits you, that your twins are in fact not your twins, that the hope you thought you hadn't allowed yourself to feel was still there. Infinite hope - is that human nature? Despite telling myself, and everyone, that I was convinced it wouldn't happen despite the positive signs, why oh why do I still feel like I've lost something? Something so precious, it never made it to earth. Whatever went wrong, went wrong... There are no words for how this feels.

One day . . . Maybe 

Anyway, off to do it all again next month if I can get a scan booked! 

The whole system is flawed. As I've mentioned, I take Clomid on cycle days 2-6 so on CD1 I have to call to book a scan for CD12 but if they don't have any available I have to not take it that month. It took me several hours to secure a scan booking on CD1 last month - I was told by a few people at the hospital "just wait for next month, there's none available" where's the guarantee there will be next month then?! And we've waited 20 months already, why make us wait more?? 

What if CD1 falls on a Saturday?? They won't open again for calls til CD3 so I'd have already begun that months treatment. As my consultant wants me to have the trigger injection next month which I can't have until after a scan has showed us what my follicles & lining are doing, it's all a lot of science. Science, luck and hope...

The Longer Than Expected Honeymoon Period

Our honeymoon period began around September 2010... And is still going! We are about as 'soppy' now as when we first got together! That's just the way we are, why do things apart when you can do them together? We enjoy talking about the same things and going to the same places. We enjoy the same film genres, restaurants and pastimes. He is my best friend, the person at the top of my Calls list (2nd to my mum of course - I am a girl after all!) when I feel oh so alone in the world, or let down by someone else's actions or words, he's there. My constant. My shield.

Since becoming an official couple, we have been fortunate enough to visit Crete, Egypt several times, Spain, Rhodes, Kefalonia, Santorini & stayed in the May Fair Hotel in London.

We've experienced things I personally had never, before him. Foods I had never even thought of, restaurants I would have not felt I 'deserved' to eat in, films I'd previously not come across.

He's opened up my world so much, and with that comes contentment as a couple. We decide what we are doing together, and we enjoy doing it together. 

We got married in August 2014, and started trying for a baby in December 2014. We'd, like most couples, had countless discussions leading up to this monumental decision. He'd said, once we'd moved in together (October 2013) that he could be ready. Well, I put him straight right away!! He'd proposed 3 weeks before we moved out so I had a wedding dress to fit into in 10 month's time , there was no way I was risking that not fitting by getting pregnant!!

From my experience, the man is ready before us, and why should that not be the case?! As I pointed out to him on more than one occasion - your body, job & life in general doesn't change half as much as it would for me!

We started trying in the December, after lots of chats. We knew we wanted a honeymoon at some point but weren't particularly bothered about when - we would work it round a pregnancy. We booked our honeymoon to Santorini several months later, and enjoyed a fortnight of adventures in August 2015.

In this time, we thought we would be pregnant. Every month, you know how it is, crushed us. 

But, did it?? Yes, internally, a part of us is missing. We each have a hole; a space inside, that we desperately want to fill. But - we've had - and are still experiencing our amazing honeymoon period. Currently, we're on 6 years of honeymoon period and hopefully have many more years to come. Yes we thought we would have a child of our own by now - we could have had as old as a 10 month old by now! 

Has this forced wait cemented our relationship to the extent very little other obstacles would? Certainly.

Have we had different adventures to those we would have if we'd got pregnant within 21 months?? I'd say so.

Have we been able to have a long, fun-filled honeymoon period? Definitely.

Have we got to know each other better than ever in the 3 years we've lived together, and the two we've been married? Yes.

We have spent quality time together just us two, then 5 years into our relationship we got a lil puppy. Who taught us something I think we already knew; to succeed, we must stick together. We must be a team. Whether we have children or not, we must be a unit.

I feel so happy to have been given this extended opportunity (which is of course, possibly a permanent opportunity for us) to have real quality time just him and I; our unexpected honeymoon period.

Rosy Cheeks review

Most woman love a good face mask, don't we? 

I personally can not always be bothered with them... For some reason they feel like a lot of hassle! I've been recently using and fallen in love with this fresh mask from my local Lush.

Rosy Cheeks

I took 5 pots back; most of which were Skin Drink (will review in another post) and was informed I could choose one of the Fresh Face Masks...

Which Fresh Face Mask I chose

I approached a sales assistant and asked where I take my 5 pots for recycling. The lady informed me I can pick up one of their masks in exchange. Bonus! 

Their fresh masks must be kept in the fridge and have a relatively short use-by date.

Which one to choose? They're all displayed on ice on a stand. She took a glance at my skin and said "do you have a lot of red tones?", to which I replied "yes! I've always hated my red pigmentation!" 

The assistant showed me to Rosy Cheeks which she said calms red tones.

Application

I found Rosy Cheeks very easy to apply. It is quite thick but smooths over evenly. I apply with my finger, it feels cool because of where it is kept, easy to spread and smells quite floral (but definitely not an over-bearing scent).

After around 10 mins, if not applied too thickly, the mask will feel harder on your skin. It's now harder to move your face at this point!

Rinsing

I keep it on around 15 mins then rinse...

I find rinsing it feels like there is a touch of residue left so I drench my face and rub water over my face until I feel it's gone! I prefer to put the mask on before my shower, so I can stand under the water to wash it all off.

After

I love what my skin feels like after! I pat my face dry rather than scrub at it. My skin looks more even, and looks and feels smoother. To touch, it feels softer. There's no tight feeling to my face after its rinsed, like some other masks.

Verdict

4/5

Definitely not going to be my last pot! I love it! My only downside is the use-by date; that's why it's not a round 5/5!

Turkish delight

The Fat Turk in Brentwood, Essex was recommended to me.

I've since been twice in the past 10 days...

I went for a girlie night out, and then again the following weekend with my husband early Sunday evening. I'd been raving about it all week; so he booked it for date night. 

The ambience on both occasions was lush. Laid back but classy. Always greeted at the door, promptly sat and orders taken. The service is perfect- they answer any queries you may have but don't hassle you; they leave you to enjoy your feast in peace!

Both times, I've shared mezes for starters with my fellow guests. Both times, I've over-ordered afore-mentioned mezes and then failed to finish my main!

Each dish I have tried, and those of my fellow diners; have been delectable. The seafood is cooked to perfection. The Kalamar is the best I've ever had. My husband's platter was huge - and he enjoyed every mouthful! 

Highly recommended.

Stunning venue {photos taken by me on my first visit}

Taramasalata, Cacik, Humus, Hellim & Turkish bread

Monkfish sis

Ciger, Taramasalata, Cacik, Hellim & Turkish bread

Sea Bream main course

Surf & Turk main

Grey Goose le Fizz Champagne cocktail

High street clothing love

I do love an #ootd or #ootn (Outfit of the Day / Night).

I recently got this skirt from Oasis and I personally think it's kinda special! As soon as I saw it, I touched the fabric, and said to my husband the typical first two questions. "Do you like it?" then "would I wear it?" I am a shopaholic so need regular sensible in-puts to keep me grounded!! He answered "yes" to both, so it made it to the fitting room. I swooshed around in it (Boomerang would have been proud!) swirling around to show it's fullness... It was a winner! I got so many compliments wearing it too.

Now for a matching top. I didn't want a cotton-style daytime vest as we were going to a lush restaurant where you can dress up. I also felt the skirt's first outting deserved a lil something more...

Oasis had some chiffon-style man-made spaghetti strap vests in their sale. I tried them on. The size 8s (they tend to have a lot of that size left I've noticed, during sales) made my bust look like the Incredible Hulk. The 12s were threatening to fall off, and I couldn't find any in my go-to size; 10s (typical!)

I gave up, preparing to go home and sort around in my wardrobes until I found something suitable. On the way to the car, I saw Miss Selfridge. I haven't shopped there for a while. The last few times I'd tried to, they'd disappointed. My husband spotted a cold-shoulder (totes in fashion don't ya know?!) bright yellow top. We got my skirt out the bag and lo-and-behold - we had a match! I HATED cold-shoulder tops previously. Every time I saw someone wearing one - I thought "WHY?? WHY??!!" But I humoured him.

I loved it!! I was immediately sold.

Outfitt sorted!

Lipstick - Up The Amp MAC

Lip liner - Magenta MAC

Top - Miss Selfridge

Skirt - Oasis

Shoes - I honestly can't remember, they're so old!

Bag - Moschino

Embracing the present

We've done it since we were young. Wished time away; wished an event to come quicker; wished for the summer holidays. 

We, as adults, need to try to see the best in what we have in the here and now. 

I have, over the past 18 months, been to rock bottom. This post is not about that but I need to acknowledge I was wishing time away. Wishing the horrible parts were gone (naturally). We suffered a family bereavement the same week I discovered my body hadn't been 'working' as females bodies are designed to work. We had a few other quite major things happen - all at the beginning of the year. I am not prepared to talk about them but safe to say the start of 2016 was awful beyond words.

I hated my life - I wanted it to change. There & then. I suppose then, it was self-preservation that kept me striving for the future; for nicer, happier times. That is fair.

Now I'm in slightly happier times - getting medical professional's assistance therefore feeling a bit more 'together' and taken seriously...

Now is the time for me to not only accept what I have got in the present but embrace it. Not to mourn for the past or obsess about the future; to live in the present. I am finding myself able to think "but I can have wine, medium-rare steak, cocktails & lay-ins in abundance" and to start to embrace what we are living now.

I am trying to do the same with every aspect of life, in the hope that one day if I do go on to have a child (or miracle of miracles - more than one) I will be able to feel the same. If I ever am, and feeling down in pregnancy, or when the baby cries and won't stop - I will be able to recognise that this is all temporary. You see everyday on social media, people moaning about pregnancy, or about their children. For someone suffering infertility, initially that hurts, as you can imagine. But of course they're entitled to moan - we all have our crosses to bear, as am I (although when I do, people often tell me I am not allowed to - that I'm being 'too negative' or 'bitter' despite these same people constantly moaning about their pregnancy/getting no sleep/child) - that unfair part, I'll never understand.

When we got our puppy, which many people have said is just like having a child (I wouldn't know!)

My husband used to get upset when she bit him (don't worry; not too hard!) or didn't listen to instructions "arrrrr! She's doing .... (insert cheeky pup antic here) again!!!!!!!" I always make sure to reply, "she's a puppy. It's what they do. One day - when she is old, frail and not able to do much at all - you'll wish these days back."

I am doing the same with every aspect of my life. Take moving home for example. I am trying not to get stressed when it looks to be going wrong, because do you know what?! I have a roof over my head, I am able to house my lil family comfortably and access everywhere I may need to go from our current house. 

My infertility? It is enabling me to see my body in-depth that others may never get to see with their own. It is teaching me that not everyone can say "when I have children" (a MAJOR pet-hate of mine!) It is allowing me that extra two (or three or forever) years of honeymoon period with my husband. It's allowed me to get a promotion at work back when I'd assumed I'd be on maternity leave therefore I wouldn't have been available to go for the extra responsibility. It's awarded me with the ability to get a puppy and have time training her. It is allowing me to continue with weekend lie-ins, days at the races and spontaneous meals out. It has permitted us the time for a project house. It has opened my eyes to what countless females go through in the hope to one day have a child of their own.

It has changed me. And do you know what? I wouldn't want to go back to the pre-infertile Kerri.

Dear Diary... My HSG test experience

I couldn't sleep properly last night. I was so full of nervous energy. Heart trying desperately to escape the confines of my chest, sorry to quote Eminen but my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.

Upon getting to the hospital, after a short wait, they called my name.

I asked if my husband can join me and got the reply "of course"...

We walked through a set of double doors, and there were a line of chairs. I was asked to use the cubicle marked 'Female changing room' to remove "everything below the waist" (that old chestnut again!) and change into 2 gowns - one as a coat and one the opposite way! 

My husband was asked to wait on the chairs near the changing rooms (which he pointed out were only about 1.5 metres away from the original waiting room so there wasn't much difference haha!)

I was then ushered into a room and met such a lovely lady. She introduced me to her assistant (sorry I'm not familiar with the correct terminology) and I had to fill out a short form confirming my pregnancy status (forever negative ~ in case anyone was wondering ;-)) and then sign on the dotted line!

I was informed that it would feel uncomfortable, and like period pain.

There was a crescent-shaped set-up that at first glance I found overwhelming! It looked like something out of the TV programmes Flash or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D! I was showed the bed, then the screens above, to the left. One of those screens was to show my uterus. The contraption above the bed was actually only just the camera (it was the largest camera I'd ever seen!)

I will save the details, but the procedure for me personally was uncomfortable but quite short-lived. I was asked to pull my gowns up whilst she placed a large paper towel with a slot over me. I got into position (with a pillow elevating my pelvis ~ I could joke here but I'll save it!!) and then the procedure began. She had to change my catheter mid-way as she said "everyone is different and you need a slightly different one". She kept apologising and saying "it's not very nice but you're doing so well"

I was chatting away whilst watching the screen. All of a sudden, on top of the dis-comfort I felt at the beginning; I felt a sharp then dull aching pain shooting through my abdomen. I winced and stopped talking. Most of the way through, the assistant was rubbing my arm reassuringly with such warm hands - I liked that, I felt it was kind. 

They both said "well done, well done" as I winced and I got my breath back and said "cor, you weren't wrong about it feeling like period pains - I've had them once or twice in my life and that was along the same lines of how they felt!" She then said "all done! It's over!" It feels like all of a sudden - everything was removed and I was back to normal! She pointed at the screen - you could clearly see the dye all through the thin strands of spaghetti then a larger display of the dye at both ends (hard to describe but I'll mentally keep that picture forever) and I was told, for the first time on this horrendous journey, some excellent news... "They're all clear; look at the dye distending out both sides to resemble splashes on the screen!" She then explained if they were blocked, the uninterrupted squiggles of black on the screen would appear only up to where the blockage was - not up & out as mine was! 

I was so overjoyed, I got tearful.

For, I think the first time on this journey, I felt grateful to be on this path. To not have found it 'easy' or possible to conceive. That I've been given the opportunity to explore my own body in this much detail and know the most I've ever known about my own make-up... Call me strange but I feel glad of that!

I was then told I was "the perfect patient" which made me feel proud (lack of sticker & lolly though hehehe!) 

I then was reunited with my husband outside - who was delighted by our good news!

I got changed, was wished luck on the rest of our journey and off we went! 

I had taken a 200mg ibropofen around an hour before, but other than the odd 'pull' and 'twist' for several hours after - I was back to myself by the time I was in the car park!

I hope this post helps anyone who was as worried as I was...

En route to the hospital! My worried face!

Adam luckier than Eve when TTC?!

Many times do us females utter those words "men have it easy"!

Caught short on a road trip? There's a handy wall over there!

Periods since adolescence? No tampons in their bed-side drawer!

Hair everywhere - not a razor in sight for most of them!

Sorry, this isn't a sexist post. It's not, I promise! After speaking to a few ladies and whilst laying on the examination bed yet again (I'll spare the details) I had a little chuckle to myself when I was waiting for the consultant to come round the curtain...

All most of the guys have to do on this infertility journey is daydream about Kelly Brook for 5 minutes and job done!

Us - and bearing in mind I'm only at the start of our journey so my list isn't conclusive - we go through the smear tests, chlamydia tests, swabs, ultrasounds, dye squirted into your strands of spaghetti (AKA Fallopian tubes) poked, prodded, countless blood tests... And that's all before the possibility of doing most of that all over again through pregnancy!! 

You know when you're becoming a veteran TTC'er when you finish the lady with the gloves on's sentence "go behind the curtain and..." (in unison) "remove everything from the waist down..." {here is where one could quip "if that was all I needed to do - I wouldn't need to be here ;-) hehe!} 

This post is just light-hearted, my husband had a good giggle as I read it to him and a few ladies on a similar path as us I think will be nodding along whilst reading!

As always, thanks for reading! T'is my life, that's all xx

Infertility: The Thief of Joy

When we first started trying to conceive (TTC) my husband expressed that if/when we were successful, he didn't want it plastered all over social media. He HATES social media with a passion. A reason that is so poignant, it cannot be argued with. But it's his personal reason, not mine to tell to the masses. But just know, with very good reason, he cannot abide social media.

I obviously am a very open person and need to talk. I shared with my mum that we'd started TTC. He chose not to share it with anyone as he didn't want the constant "has it happened yet?" he predicted would come.

The longer time went on, the more people I shared with and the more details I shared. I really needed to talk about it. TTC (leading into infertility) is isolating, soul-destroying and devastating. It makes you feel like a failure. It makes you feel like you'll never be truly happy again. It takes away most hope you have. My husband at the one year mark, became more open and has since shared with a couple people and I believe even opened up to them. It's nice to know he's got support other than me.

The awareness you have of so many other's struggles, and the fact you know now you are a different person to the one you were on the start of your journey in 2014. My husband did say to me early December 2014 "if/when you are pregnant please don't overly put it on social media" because of his hatred for it. I flippantly said "yea, yea" thinking "hmmm, we'll see..." Well during this journey, one thing month upon month I've come around to agreeing with him. I feel, if it ever does happen, I won't have the inclination to share my joy openly on social media as to hurt others on the same journey I've been on would be too raw in my mind. I know day by day what these strong women are going through - from first-hand experience and from speaking to them. This journey changes you in so many ways and yes whilst I'd be ridiculously excited, I feel infertility has stolen the joy I would have had. I can't go back to being that person, maybe I wouldn't even want to. And yes, there would be, I'm sure, certain times where I'd be desperate to share with the masses... But this journey has taught me that I wouldn't. 

Infertility is the thief of the joy of being naturally intimate with your other half. The person who, when you first met, you probably couldn't keep your hands off! Infertility somehow turns it into a mechanical, medical necessity based on calculations, calendars and putting your legs up in the air! The many people I've spoken to agree - it takes all the spontaneity away, the reason you're in love with and want to physically show that love to each other in the first place. 

After the 12 month mark & a blood test confirming your body maybe isn't working 'the way it should', you are classed as 'infertile'.

Infertility steals joy like an opportunist in an unattended jewellery shop. It seeps into your soul, into every aspect of your life.

The worry that, if it ever does happen, if the almost impossible does occur and you fall pregnant at some point... You may miscarry. This is a worry, I imagine, for every female. When you have suffered infertility and indeed previous loss, I've been told, you know how long and how painful it is to get pregnant in the first place, you worry so much that if you ever do then suffer a miscarriage; you'll have to go through all those months and that sheer pain again to get your second chance (if it ever comes).

You have constant worries of when your next appointment is - will it be when we are on holiday and we miss it? Will I be able to get all the time off I think I will need? Will I have to miss an important meeting at work? Will they do what I ask them to do at this appointment? 

Infertility steals your logic. It warps things and makes you disbelieving that others can get pregnant still naturally - without a medical professional's assistance in any way. It make you sit blankly staring, repeating to yourself "how is that even possible?!" ("and if it truly is; how?! Teach me!!")

When others announce pregnancies, and are (quite rightfully) excited and may choose to share their pregnancy on social media and talk about it a lot in real life - that's only natural. Like a bride to be sharing the countdown to her wedding, an athlete looking forward to the marathon, a pregnant lady I will assume, is very excited. So will probably feel the need to share this excitement. Infertility takes away the real, true joy of pregnancy. It is cast over with sadness, like a dark cloud follows it. You are able, of course, to feel happy on the back of their happiness - you are happy for them, but still sad for you. 

Infertility steals the very joy you are expected to feel in every day life. Those flippant "oh you wait 'til you have kids!" remarks, the second glances and "anything you need to tell us?" when you said "I'm really craving fruit/chocolate/avocado this week..." when you order a Vodka & orange at the bar and your friends think it's just orange "oh Kerri, is that just orange?" with that beam on their face, that look of excitement dancing in their eyes. When you wait 16 months for your initial consultation and in that time you've heard/seen around 30 pregnancies develop into babies... And wonder what you're doing so drastically wrong. When you have to start/finish every sentence with "if I'm not pregnant by then..." "We can only do that if I'm not pregnant..." When you spend whole evenings discussing names and how you'd tell your nearest & dearest... Then for it to just be a pipe dream month upon month.

The ultimate thief of joy is 'what if it never happens for us at all?'

My Easter 2016

I had such a fun Easter fortnight!

We did sooo much eating out... Here are a few of the meals I enjoyed...

Mixed kebab at a Turkish restaurant 

Prezzo Pollo e Spinaci

Delicious Sunday roast & dessert (post DECHOX of course!)

Wagamama's Raisukaree

Another yummy roast...

Followed by an amazing Belgian waffle...

... All washed down with a nice cool glass (or two) of Prosecco 

Over the month of March (yes for the whole 31 days) I gave up all cocoa for DECHOX. DECHOX is a fundraising event created by the British Heart Foundation to raise donations to their charity; helping to combat heart disease. The cause is close to my heart (excuse the pun) and for a chocolate-each-evening girl; it was quite an achievement! Needless to say; I enjoyed the 1st April!

Happy End Of DECHOX

Lots of generous people supported me on my challenge - we raised over £160 for the British Heart Foundation, which is an amazing figure!

I didn't just eat (and drink!) on the two week break! 

I attended a wedding reception where the bride looked gorgeous, the groom very smart and helped the couple celebrate their first evening as husband and wife. 

We had a family get-together at our house over Easter; quality time with special people (and more food & drink!!) 

Other than socialising, putting on weight and sinking liquid grapes; I spent my days with our {rather cheeky} not so little puppy! She's grown so much and totally enjoys following me everywhere! We spent many an hour snuggled up together on the recliner over the fortnight! She had some trips over the park - FREEDOM!! - and really cemented our BFF status.

As many of you know, life has been pretty hard recently. For many reasons. Some of which many know, and many of which few know. I needed to have that time to breath, time for myself, to relax and really appreciate what I do have and what I can do, not on the negative. 

I truly feel grateful for my lil life and long may that attitude continue.

The dreaded Two Week Wait

The dreaded 2WW.

That roughly a fortnight of being "could-be pregnant".

Do I drink when we go out for our friend's birthday? If I don't - people will notice (I hate driving so don't tend to when not at work so socially drink usually) if I do and I am pregnant (ha! As if!) then I may be harming the little bundle of cells.

Do I test?? When do I test?? 

Is that a twinge?? I'm sure I felt a twinge there. And there. Gosh, I definitely felt that ache.

I feel sick. Definitely feeling nauseous. I hope that means I finally am - that this is finally our month - or else I don't want to feel unwell. If I am pregnant, I don't mind feeling sick. If I'm not (which is obviously more probable) then I want this sicky feeling gone.

Why am I shouting at my husband for the smallest things?? I feel so miserable. I feel so angry all the time. I hope that means I finally am - that this is finally our month - or else I don't want these mood swings. If I am pregnant, I don't mind so much, being snappy constantly. If I'm not (which is obviously more probable) then I want this mood gone.

For a whole year I didn't have to really worry about my cycle. I was pretty much regular give or take a few days.

Christmas Eve came and went. No sign of cycle 12... But 10 pregnancy signs. Very, very strong pregnancy signs. Never had these before. Get hopes up. Me, very cautiously. Husband - full-blown hopes up in the sky! 

Christmas Day came. Massive cramps along with my other 10 symptoms. Get home that evening and cry. Feeling truly unwell.

26th December; no sign of AF (Aunty flow we shall say)

I am one week late. That's never happened before! Oh my, what if, on our 12th month, it's happening?? What if my husband is right??

At 6 days late, I test. Of course it's negative - positives don't actually happen in real life, just on films & on social media.

I get so disbelieving, I use 3 tests that morning, desperately shouting at the sticks of plastic as if it's their fault!

Anyway, at 8 days late, I'm put out of my misery. My husband feels depleted, crushing sadness. I feel relieved. Phew! My body is working after all! You see, if I am not pregnant, I want my AF. I want to move on, I want to know my body is still doing some of what it's supposed to. The thing is, this AF is like no other before it. Clots and cramps a-plenty. In so much pain, I can't walk. I phone 'out of hours' who recommend I see a medical professional within 2 hours. I do. She is also convinced I am pregnant, as convinced as my husband is. She gets me to do a test. What's the point?? We all know it's going to be negative.

This now throws up the interesting "when am I due?" each month. Something I was able to assume to an extent, is now harder than ever.

January came and with it, initial blood tests ordered by my GP (we visited when we'd been trying for a year).

I've not ovulated in January. Huh. Erm, what's happened here?? 

Does that mean I've not been for 13 months?! Who knows... We'll never know that.

AF came when it felt like it, lasted a day then off, then made a surprise guest appearance on and off for a few days. So there's further proof my progesterone levels were low - my body was all out.

What do we do now?! Our referral had been messed up so we have had to wait a further 2 months for my GP to attempt to do us another which is what we are waiting for currently.

This month, I was very quietly hopeful. I'm not usually good at that - I'm a very negative person. The day I had predicted AF came and went, 3 days later, I'm chatting with my hubs and ask "should I test tomorrow morning?" (I only ever do FMU) he said "no, I think we should wait 'til you're a week over and do it at the weekend" I don't think he wanted the hopeful magic to end.

The next morning I woke up as usual around 5am, an hour before our alarm. I couldn't resist. Stupid, impatient me, snuck downstairs and did a test.

I sleepily read the back of the pack.

I did the test then set it aside to do it's thing. I remember thinking "that says leave for 10 mins, I'm sure it was 5 last time..."

Played with our puppy so I wasn't tempted to test-watch.

Went back to it after about 8 minutes - a clear control line and a very faint second line... My heart stopped. It literally stopped. The world stopped turning in that moment. I picked it up, screwed my eyes up, held it close, squinted. With shaking hands, I reach for the packaging "what does that mean?? It's so faint! Maybe after 15 months I actually am!!" No, I can't be, this sort of thing only happens to other people. Read the packaging 

"HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR RESULTS: A clear control line and clear second line indicate you are due to OVULATE BETWEEN 24-48 HOURS"

Oh. I've done the wrong test. I'd picked up an OPK (which I've never had a positive on before either).

To say hopes were dashed after the build up would be an understatement. I get out a hCG Pregnancy test.

Obviously, we know I'm not, that it was a huge, undeniable negative as usual, because positives only happen in films and on social media. An hour later, AF visited, just to cement my status.

I can laugh about the OPK test mix-up a little because it's funny, but gosh, that minute of roller coaster emotions and euphoria... Wow.

Sorry such a long post. Thank you for reading, I just felt the need to write. Get it all out.

Sunday reminiscing...

I remember when it was 21st birthdays, then 25th. Now we're onto 30th celebrations!

Back in our late teens/early 20s it was all about fancy dress, alcopops and cheap champers! Staying out every night until closing - Monday was student night £1 a drink! Tuesday was my favourite- all the cheesy tunes! Paying £10 every Friday and Saturday to get into a club where they played bongos on stage. Back in those days you could go out alone and be guaranteed to see people you knew, it was home from home!

When the biggest thing you worried about was what to wear. 

21st birthdays were filled with bar crawls, fancy dress (yes me and 8 friends went out dressed as bunny girls for the night!!) and dancing all night!

Last night, I went to my friend's 30th celebrations. There, we spoke about the merits of red wine with steak, our favourite white wine, puppies and babies! There was plenty of dancing and drinking still going on (that will never change - I hope!) It was just noticeable how the topics of conversation have changed so much in the space of 5-10 years! 

I do love reminiscing about our time in our early 20s but I feel grateful we have been given the opportunity to grow up, to have our own house (and puppy). Yes, with that comes responsibility but at our age now, is that really a bad thing?

My husband and I often talk about if we are not blessed with a child (I say child not children cos let's face it - one is difficult enough to try to create, can scarcely hope for 2!)

For a while now, we have become sure we are ready (as ready as you can ever be for that). We often - to make ourselves feel better if it doesn't happen - talk about how much more freedom we would have if it never happens... But the fact still remains we have changed. I love dancing - always, but feel ready to tackle that next step in life if it ever comes. 

Oh, I forgot to mention - the hemlines get longer too!

Finding the right words...

Many people don't know what to say when met with 'awkward' or upsetting situations. When they come across situations they've been fortunate enough to never have been in. I've had many people say to me, and others in my position, that they just don't understand. They just don't know what to say to us. They would love to help and never intend to hurt us with their words, or lack of words at times.

My aim for this post is to share some of the "please don'ts" and "maybe try instead..." and if it helps even one person who hasn't known what to say to someone they know, then that's a step in the right direction.

Without further ado;

• Don't say "I know how you're feeling" no one ever really can say they know what another is feeling - we all feel, interpret and see things differently. No two scenarios and couples are the same. Especially don't say this if you follow it with "it took me 6 months to conceive" when it's been over twice that time for the person you're trying to reassure!

• Don't say "you should feel lucky for what you do have" I know I should. At times that logic does work. But mainly I'm sad longing for what I don't have. Having an otherwise ideal-looking life shouldn't undermine the problems I do face. 

• Don't say "my friend's cousin's dog's goldfish got pregnant when..." Sometimes these stories give us hope. Other times it makes us want to scream. Your friend's cousin's dog's goldfish's story doesn't alter our current situation, as much as we'd all like it to.

• Don't say "it's because you're stressed" yes stress is a horrible symptom with many side effects. I agree. Telling someone to stress less has never been proven to actually make them stress less unfortunately!

• Don't say "you wait til you have children of your own!" One word: OUCH!

• Don't say "it'll happen when you least expect it" please explain to me how now you know your own body's natural signs and symptoms inside out, know the dates of everything, how do you go about forgetting that information, these facts?? Then to top it off, you find out your body has not been working 'as it should' how do you go about forgetting all of that in order to 'surprise' yourselves?!

Instead, try

• "This must be hard for you, I'm here if you need to talk" - not undermining their sadness of their predicament and reassuring you're there to listen and give advice if you feel you can.

• "What you are going through is really awful, your problems matter as much as anyone else's" 

• "I know some sad endings do happen, but I have heard many happy endings too... And I really hope for yours to be one of them..." The person will probably be open to hearing a good story with that opening and fill them with hope - which is what I know is intended in these stories.

• "I understand totally why you are stressed" a professional said this to me, along with a couple of other people. Having someone acknowledge and accept the reason you're stressed, almost feels like you're 'allowed' to be stressed; that it's perfectly understandable and acceptable. This made me the least stressed I'd been in weeks when I heard that. 

• Think before you speak! Don't ask anyone about their plans for children unless they directly bring it up with you first, don't make fly-away comments: "pregnant yet? Been married over a year now" or the one above "you wait until you have children" as it is NOT a definite that people can and will go on to have children; contrary to wide belief it is not a basic human right for us all. These comments have hurt me so much and the people saying them don't intend to harm.

• "You do what's right for you" once someone has started down that route of knowing their cycle and tracking their symptoms it's pretty impossible to just forget all this knowledge. Also, once you are at the stage of getting professional help it's quite important to be able to answer questions as fully as possible - so I record everything. So no I won't have a "oh how did that happen?!" surprise but my goodness if it ever happens - with all the disappointment so far - I think I'll fall over if I ever see a positive! So I guess it'll be a surprise anyway! 

I really hope these help, as I know when some of the 'don'ts' are said - they are not indended to harm.