My aim for this post is to share some of the "please don'ts" and "maybe try instead..." and if it helps even one person who hasn't known what to say to someone they know, then that's a step in the right direction.
Without further ado;
• Don't say "I know how you're feeling" no one ever really can say they know what another is feeling - we all feel, interpret and see things differently. No two scenarios and couples are the same. Especially don't say this if you follow it with "it took me 6 months to conceive" when it's been over twice that time for the person you're trying to reassure!
• Don't say "you should feel lucky for what you do have" I know I should. At times that logic does work. But mainly I'm sad longing for what I don't have. Having an otherwise ideal-looking life shouldn't undermine the problems I do face.
• Don't say "my friend's cousin's dog's goldfish got pregnant when..." Sometimes these stories give us hope. Other times it makes us want to scream. Your friend's cousin's dog's goldfish's story doesn't alter our current situation, as much as we'd all like it to.
• Don't say "it's because you're stressed" yes stress is a horrible symptom with many side effects. I agree. Telling someone to stress less has never been proven to actually make them stress less unfortunately!
• Don't say "you wait til you have children of your own!" One word: OUCH!
• Don't say "it'll happen when you least expect it" please explain to me how now you know your own body's natural signs and symptoms inside out, know the dates of everything, how do you go about forgetting that information, these facts?? Then to top it off, you find out your body has not been working 'as it should' how do you go about forgetting all of that in order to 'surprise' yourselves?!
Instead, try
• "This must be hard for you, I'm here if you need to talk" - not undermining their sadness of their predicament and reassuring you're there to listen and give advice if you feel you can.
• "What you are going through is really awful, your problems matter as much as anyone else's"
• "I know some sad endings do happen, but I have heard many happy endings too... And I really hope for yours to be one of them..." The person will probably be open to hearing a good story with that opening and fill them with hope - which is what I know is intended in these stories.
• "I understand totally why you are stressed" a professional said this to me, along with a couple of other people. Having someone acknowledge and accept the reason you're stressed, almost feels like you're 'allowed' to be stressed; that it's perfectly understandable and acceptable. This made me the least stressed I'd been in weeks when I heard that.
• Think before you speak! Don't ask anyone about their plans for children unless they directly bring it up with you first, don't make fly-away comments: "pregnant yet? Been married over a year now" or the one above "you wait until you have children" as it is NOT a definite that people can and will go on to have children; contrary to wide belief it is not a basic human right for us all. These comments have hurt me so much and the people saying them don't intend to harm.
• "You do what's right for you" once someone has started down that route of knowing their cycle and tracking their symptoms it's pretty impossible to just forget all this knowledge. Also, once you are at the stage of getting professional help it's quite important to be able to answer questions as fully as possible - so I record everything. So no I won't have a "oh how did that happen?!" surprise but my goodness if it ever happens - with all the disappointment so far - I think I'll fall over if I ever see a positive! So I guess it'll be a surprise anyway!
I really hope these help, as I know when some of the 'don'ts' are said - they are not indended to harm.
