The dreaded 2WW.
That roughly a fortnight of being "could-be pregnant".
Do I drink when we go out for our friend's birthday? If I don't - people will notice (I hate driving so don't tend to when not at work so socially drink usually) if I do and I am pregnant (ha! As if!) then I may be harming the little bundle of cells.
Do I test?? When do I test??
Is that a twinge?? I'm sure I felt a twinge there. And there. Gosh, I definitely felt that ache.
I feel sick. Definitely feeling nauseous. I hope that means I finally am - that this is finally our month - or else I don't want to feel unwell. If I am pregnant, I don't mind feeling sick. If I'm not (which is obviously more probable) then I want this sicky feeling gone.
Why am I shouting at my husband for the smallest things?? I feel so miserable. I feel so angry all the time. I hope that means I finally am - that this is finally our month - or else I don't want these mood swings. If I am pregnant, I don't mind so much, being snappy constantly. If I'm not (which is obviously more probable) then I want this mood gone.
For a whole year I didn't have to really worry about my cycle. I was pretty much regular give or take a few days.
Christmas Eve came and went. No sign of cycle 12... But 10 pregnancy signs. Very, very strong pregnancy signs. Never had these before. Get hopes up. Me, very cautiously. Husband - full-blown hopes up in the sky!
Christmas Day came. Massive cramps along with my other 10 symptoms. Get home that evening and cry. Feeling truly unwell.
26th December; no sign of AF (Aunty flow we shall say)
I am one week late. That's never happened before! Oh my, what if, on our 12th month, it's happening?? What if my husband is right??
At 6 days late, I test. Of course it's negative - positives don't actually happen in real life, just on films & on social media.
I get so disbelieving, I use 3 tests that morning, desperately shouting at the sticks of plastic as if it's their fault!
Anyway, at 8 days late, I'm put out of my misery. My husband feels depleted, crushing sadness. I feel relieved. Phew! My body is working after all! You see, if I am not pregnant, I want my AF. I want to move on, I want to know my body is still doing some of what it's supposed to. The thing is, this AF is like no other before it. Clots and cramps a-plenty. In so much pain, I can't walk. I phone 'out of hours' who recommend I see a medical professional within 2 hours. I do. She is also convinced I am pregnant, as convinced as my husband is. She gets me to do a test. What's the point?? We all know it's going to be negative.
This now throws up the interesting "when am I due?" each month. Something I was able to assume to an extent, is now harder than ever.
January came and with it, initial blood tests ordered by my GP (we visited when we'd been trying for a year).
I've not ovulated in January. Huh. Erm, what's happened here??
Does that mean I've not been for 13 months?! Who knows... We'll never know that.
AF came when it felt like it, lasted a day then off, then made a surprise guest appearance on and off for a few days. So there's further proof my progesterone levels were low - my body was all out.
What do we do now?! Our referral had been messed up so we have had to wait a further 2 months for my GP to attempt to do us another which is what we are waiting for currently.
This month, I was very quietly hopeful. I'm not usually good at that - I'm a very negative person. The day I had predicted AF came and went, 3 days later, I'm chatting with my hubs and ask "should I test tomorrow morning?" (I only ever do FMU) he said "no, I think we should wait 'til you're a week over and do it at the weekend" I don't think he wanted the hopeful magic to end.
The next morning I woke up as usual around 5am, an hour before our alarm. I couldn't resist. Stupid, impatient me, snuck downstairs and did a test.
I sleepily read the back of the pack.
I did the test then set it aside to do it's thing. I remember thinking "that says leave for 10 mins, I'm sure it was 5 last time..."
Played with our puppy so I wasn't tempted to test-watch.
Went back to it after about 8 minutes - a clear control line and a very faint second line... My heart stopped. It literally stopped. The world stopped turning in that moment. I picked it up, screwed my eyes up, held it close, squinted. With shaking hands, I reach for the packaging "what does that mean?? It's so faint! Maybe after 15 months I actually am!!" No, I can't be, this sort of thing only happens to other people. Read the packaging
"HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR RESULTS: A clear control line and clear second line indicate you are due to OVULATE BETWEEN 24-48 HOURS"
Oh. I've done the wrong test. I'd picked up an OPK (which I've never had a positive on before either).
To say hopes were dashed after the build up would be an understatement. I get out a hCG Pregnancy test.
Obviously, we know I'm not, that it was a huge, undeniable negative as usual, because positives only happen in films and on social media. An hour later, AF visited, just to cement my status.
I can laugh about the OPK test mix-up a little because it's funny, but gosh, that minute of roller coaster emotions and euphoria... Wow.
Sorry such a long post. Thank you for reading, I just felt the need to write. Get it all out.
