When we first started trying to conceive (TTC) my husband expressed that if/when we were successful, he didn't want it plastered all over social media. He HATES social media with a passion. A reason that is so poignant, it cannot be argued with. But it's his personal reason, not mine to tell to the masses. But just know, with very good reason, he cannot abide social media.
I obviously am a very open person and need to talk. I shared with my mum that we'd started TTC. He chose not to share it with anyone as he didn't want the constant "has it happened yet?" he predicted would come.
The longer time went on, the more people I shared with and the more details I shared. I really needed to talk about it. TTC (leading into infertility) is isolating, soul-destroying and devastating. It makes you feel like a failure. It makes you feel like you'll never be truly happy again. It takes away most hope you have. My husband at the one year mark, became more open and has since shared with a couple people and I believe even opened up to them. It's nice to know he's got support other than me.
The awareness you have of so many other's struggles, and the fact you know now you are a different person to the one you were on the start of your journey in 2014. My husband did say to me early December 2014 "if/when you are pregnant please don't overly put it on social media" because of his hatred for it. I flippantly said "yea, yea" thinking "hmmm, we'll see..." Well during this journey, one thing month upon month I've come around to agreeing with him. I feel, if it ever does happen, I won't have the inclination to share my joy openly on social media as to hurt others on the same journey I've been on would be too raw in my mind. I know day by day what these strong women are going through - from first-hand experience and from speaking to them. This journey changes you in so many ways and yes whilst I'd be ridiculously excited, I feel infertility has stolen the joy I would have had. I can't go back to being that person, maybe I wouldn't even want to. And yes, there would be, I'm sure, certain times where I'd be desperate to share with the masses... But this journey has taught me that I wouldn't.
Infertility is the thief of the joy of being naturally intimate with your other half. The person who, when you first met, you probably couldn't keep your hands off! Infertility somehow turns it into a mechanical, medical necessity based on calculations, calendars and putting your legs up in the air! The many people I've spoken to agree - it takes all the spontaneity away, the reason you're in love with and want to physically show that love to each other in the first place.
After the 12 month mark & a blood test confirming your body maybe isn't working 'the way it should', you are classed as 'infertile'.
Infertility steals joy like an opportunist in an unattended jewellery shop. It seeps into your soul, into every aspect of your life.
The worry that, if it ever does happen, if the almost impossible does occur and you fall pregnant at some point... You may miscarry. This is a worry, I imagine, for every female. When you have suffered infertility and indeed previous loss, I've been told, you know how long and how painful it is to get pregnant in the first place, you worry so much that if you ever do then suffer a miscarriage; you'll have to go through all those months and that sheer pain again to get your second chance (if it ever comes).
You have constant worries of when your next appointment is - will it be when we are on holiday and we miss it? Will I be able to get all the time off I think I will need? Will I have to miss an important meeting at work? Will they do what I ask them to do at this appointment?
Infertility steals your logic. It warps things and makes you disbelieving that others can get pregnant still naturally - without a medical professional's assistance in any way. It make you sit blankly staring, repeating to yourself "how is that even possible?!" ("and if it truly is; how?! Teach me!!")
When others announce pregnancies, and are (quite rightfully) excited and may choose to share their pregnancy on social media and talk about it a lot in real life - that's only natural. Like a bride to be sharing the countdown to her wedding, an athlete looking forward to the marathon, a pregnant lady I will assume, is very excited. So will probably feel the need to share this excitement. Infertility takes away the real, true joy of pregnancy. It is cast over with sadness, like a dark cloud follows it. You are able, of course, to feel happy on the back of their happiness - you are happy for them, but still sad for you.
Infertility steals the very joy you are expected to feel in every day life. Those flippant "oh you wait 'til you have kids!" remarks, the second glances and "anything you need to tell us?" when you said "I'm really craving fruit/chocolate/avocado this week..." when you order a Vodka & orange at the bar and your friends think it's just orange "oh Kerri, is that just orange?" with that beam on their face, that look of excitement dancing in their eyes. When you wait 16 months for your initial consultation and in that time you've heard/seen around 30 pregnancies develop into babies... And wonder what you're doing so drastically wrong. When you have to start/finish every sentence with "if I'm not pregnant by then..." "We can only do that if I'm not pregnant..." When you spend whole evenings discussing names and how you'd tell your nearest & dearest... Then for it to just be a pipe dream month upon month.
The ultimate thief of joy is 'what if it never happens for us at all?'
