(5) The Day Our Lives Changed Forever (again)

The following week came, and with it sleepless nights, worrying and excited at the same time to see our lil bean again...

Some days whilst pregnant I am using the toilet more times than others. It was 10:20am I'd been 4 times during the night then around 8 more times since waking and getting ready.

I was in A LOT of pain waiting for my ultrasound (unbeknownst to us we had a 40 minute wait!!) I was deep breathing and gripping the chair. Now, my pain threshold isn't too poor and I was in agony. One of the ladies waiting told us "you can't struggle on like that - tell them"

The unsympathetic lady on reception told us "you need a full bladder but as you have a slight wait of 20 minutes (liar) you can let some out." 

So I did. Every 5 minutes I went back into that toilet until I was called. I was in so much pain it felt like I was being ripped from the inside. I said to my husband "I can't have someone touch my abdomen, I'm in too much pain, this isn't normal" I hadn't even drunk the full amount they'd recommended. 

I went in finally, they asked why I was back so soon (7 days after my last U/S) and I explained.

Now, down to business. Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "Oops, bladder too full I literally can see nothing" I said "seriously?! I'd more or less got rid of over half about 4 minutes ago!" (I'd got sick of waiting in so much pain so had more or less felt I'd emptied!)

She asked me to go and let 'at least two thirds out. Delighted, I did.

Back again (more comfortable now)  

Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "How is it still sooo full?! Do you mind if I do an internal ultrasound?? I still can't see from the abdominal one"

Although I've found most of my internal ultrasounds more comfortable than the abdominal ones (they press sooo hard!) I was dubious - I'd read in my research that total pelvic rest was best when a subchorionic hemorrhage is detected. I explained my worries and she said "us and the doctors are sure that will make no difference, besides I couldn't see an area of blood. I obviously won't do it if you don't want, but I recommend" I was a bit annoyed, I know it had to be painful last week but the lady then had got all she needed by persisting with the abdominal U/S.

I turned to my husband and he straight away said "do it"

Back to the toilet - empty bladder required. Bliss. I was grinning now. I was excited to see a less grainy image than last week too! And I wasn't in pain this time! Bonus!

So, no stranger to transvaginal ultrasounds, my lower layers of clothing were off before she could finish her instructions!

In it goes, I felt no discomfort at all. 

Well, not physically.

"I just need a colleague to come and look at something for me" - assistant runs out the door and brings back said colleague. Because enough people haven't seen my nether regions in the past 2 years!

"I can't see an area of blood at all  but I'm afraid there is no heartbeat, I'm so sorry"

Stupid fucking machines. Really, why is she using a broken machine to check for my baby's heartbeat?! Fucking amateur. {sorry inner thoughts}

Baby was measuring one day bigger than last Tuesday, not 7 days bigger as expected. It was so beautiful and peaceful on the screen - there's the sac, there's Lil Bean. Just, as my husband put it "no beacon of light" this time.

I'll take this opportunity to mention my husband has been to so many ultrasounds (every single one in 2 years) he could be a sonographer. He later told me, after leaving, that he panicked the very first time - he was looking for the flashing heartbeat but didn't see it. He'd hoped it was because of the full bladder but from the internal, he lost hope before she even said those words.

Anyway, I expressed my annoyance in the proper British way - passive aggressive. Overly polite then turned the air blue. I told all 3 (whilst still having something big & bulbous stuck inside me) that their hospital was shit. That their staff were awful. I explained the useless doctor's refusal to scan me last week - I could have saved myself a week of hope if she'd just done her job. They sympathised, of course.

I then visited the gynaecology department. They are soooo much nicer to you there when you walk in and announce "my baby has no heartbeat". No hard plastic chairs, no 3-6 hour wait. No useless doctor telling me I don't matter.

My 4 options were explained to me. In short, wait and revisit in the comfort of your own home when your body catches up with Lil Bean's. Take a pessary. Surgery under local anaesthetic. Surgery under general. The lady was lovely. I think she had a tear in her eye when I told her I don't ovulate naturally and this took almost 2 years to get to this stage. She told me I didn't have to make any decisions now. She told me, she's been working here a year and had recently got told "1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage". 

I took in enough of it, and was given a booklet of step by step information to fill the gaps.

My body is, at the time of writing this, still very much pregnant. Nausea, (very) frequent urination, strong food aversions, strong cravings, major breast engorgement, bloating. My body is still walking around proudly saying "look at me, look what we made and I'm holding and keeping safe". It hasn't yet got the memo that Lil Bean stopped the ride. It got off.

Well. Next tell both sets of parents. Tears ahoy.

Back home, read the leaflet. After reading every single awful word, promptly throw booklet across the room. Then throw my useless half-full box of Pregnacare across the room. 

"Stop the ride. I want to get off."

None of the options right now are viable to me so I guess I'm waiting. Waiting for my "just making sure your machine wasn't on the blink" scan on Thursday 27th (I'm writing this the morning after the internal scan on Tuesday 25th) then waiting for an epiphany.

Now, I am one strong character. As is my husband. We've both suffered countless losses in our lives.

But let me tell you, if they gave me that booklet and made me read every single word, told me the new figure is 1 in 3 pregnancies end too soon, before giving me fertility treatment. Made me face up to one of these disgusting 'options' having to be put upon my body and mind, I don't know if I'd have ever taken those Clomid tablets. 

I'm sure that may change over time, but right now that's where my head is at. Please don't get me wrong - every Clomid hot flush, headache, abdominal pain, every pregnancy symptom, every hospital dash, each worry, every single tear - was worth it for our Lil Bean. I did not once complain, I went with the flow of a difficult pregnancy, as I knew we were getting our sheer miracle Lil Bean at the end. I am not coping well emotionally and I'm petrified of making the wrong decision and making my body poorly on top. The risks of the surgery options make me worry for our future; if we're ever brave (and stupid) enough to try again. The emotional risk of waiting it out is wringing me (and hubs) out already.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. No one promised you a baby at the end of all your hard work. That's life, life is shit.

But I'm alive. I must keep that going because I am alive. Being alive is not something to be taken for granted and I intend to live everyday showing our Lil Bean (who is up there safe now with her grandad, great grandads, great nans and all the others) that I am not taking my life for granted.

So, what now? Well, now I feel a sense of peace about the future that I have not felt since December 2014. I'm going to go with that and see where it takes me.

EDIT: We went to our scan on Thursday 27th. They tried to take me in the same room. I began shaking, repeating 'no no no no help' and crying (yes, in the middle of the waiting room surrounded by 10 pregnant people and 5 members of staff). Thy took me to another room. 

Turns out the machine wasn't broken. Our baby has died.

Now I'm still pregnant but won't have any baby to physically show for it... But I am a mummy. We conceived, made a baby that made it to the size of a raspberry; a ladybird. Now the next hurdle is when and how our baby will be coming out... 

More waiting! I should be a pro at that by now! The hospital said they give you 2 weeks to see if it happens naturally in that time. If not, you go back in and re-discuss the options. My husband joked "so we're on the Two Week Wait again then? We're no strangers to that are we darling?!!"