(4) These things are sent to test us

Our happiness was allowed to manifest for 3 whole hours.

We visited a shopping centre and stopped at a nearby restaurant.

As I always need the toilet recently, I went to the restaurant bathroom before leaving.

My world span. Deep red/mahogany blood; as heavy as AF.

Fuck.

Excuse my language but if you've ever been there, or you've ever wanted a baby as much as we do, or you've ever fought as hard as we have to get to this stage, you'll know there's no other word but FUCK.

I almost walked through the wrong door out of the bathroom I was so daunted.

Tried to phone the hospital; no answer. Of course, people aren't allowed to have a problem outside of the hours of 9-5 are they.

Straight back to the hospital. This time a slightly shorter wait. This time a less sympathetic 'doctor' refused to do any tests. I kinda understood why - as there was already blood, she didn't want to irritate it further.

I spoke to my fertility nurse the next day, who then insisted on booking me another scan for exactly a weeks time to check baby. She said she wasn't sure if they could get me in the next day but she'd check but my body just didn't feel up to that so soon, and the 'doctor' the night before had told my husband in no uncertain terms that a baby can't die over just a few short hours (how naive were we to listen?!) You have to listen to your body and mine wasn't ready to be poked and prodded yet again so soon. She asked about the bleeding and any pain. I was pleased to report there was no pain (odd for me - pretty much the whole pregnancy was peppered with different pains and aches!) The bleeding had also tapered by the time we were home from hospital - to more of a brown spotting. 20 minutes after I spoke to her, I had some mahogany blood again instead of spotting but it was so light in comparison to AF I rode it out and within several hours it was back to brown spotting.

I've done some research and discovered I probably should have been warned by the sonographer that I may bleed due to the area of blood.

I tried to relax and was worried (petrified) my scan would dislodge more and my life would be a carousel of scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, until June. I also briefly had an illogical worry we wouldn't see a heartbeat but was reassured that the amount of blood I saw was not the contents of a womb coming away. I was also reassured because I googled Lil Bean's heartbeat and am proud to report it was BRILLIANT! Not on the cusp, not a single concern. Nice and strong. The size was measuring spot-on to the day too! 

Just the matter of this bleed - called a subchorionic hemorrhage. I did some research and found it is a complication. It does have the potential to cause heartache but resting seemed to be the way forward. Looking at my paperwork, the size of Lil Bean's gestational sac was HUGE in comparison to the area of blood. This is good news and meant, with rest, I could dare hope the blood had either absorbed back into my body, or the bleed on Tuesday had dispelled it. 

A lot can change in a week.