Clomid month 1 - all of the feels

I assumed (naively) if they give you medication, you would trust it and just flow through the weeks but no, I'm worrying about EVERYTHING! It's like a plug has been let out! And I said, if we ever go on to actually have a positive - I'll worry all through the pregnancy, then I'll worry for every day of it's life!!

My experience of my first treatment-aided month...

I was so, so scared of taking Clomid. I'd heard some real horror stories of how it's affected others. Other than one really random (but awful) headache on CD14, I couldn't detect any side effects my first month - which I'm hugely grateful for. About a week after suspected ovulation, I started getting VERY VERY irritable, snapping at people and my patience was on ZERO.

I took the tablets on days 2-6 

My ultrasound scan was on CD12 (they like to do it on CD10-14) 

It showed one large follicle - already measuring 21mm (my condition means my multiple follicles never grow past 10mm so I don't ovulate with a dominant follicle) the second was 17m, and a third if it felt like it could have also gone on to release because at CD12 it was already 14mm. The sonographer said "it looks like you could end up with twins, if all three go - triplets!" My lining was measuring 8.5 and he said "this is out of a text book - perfect lining" 

We were both delighted - hopping around! I even fist pumped and hissed "yesssss" whilst still on the table in stirrups. I know this sounds stupid but I feel this is what it must feel like to see a BFP! The elation, the knowledge your body is actually working. We must realise, this is NOT a BFP by a long shot - I am now just as fertile as the other already naturally fertile females in the world and our actual chance of conception is only slightly higher than a non-medicated person's.

He said "next month, collect this prescription on your way to your scan, I want to do this trigger shot" which is an injection that makes the egg release... But I wasn't to have it this first month, we were to let nature take it's course now...

I then googled. I read that Clomid is very good at growing follicles but them not releasing which would end in an enlarged cyst which often causes pain. You cannot take your next month of Clomid with one of these, you need to wait for it to shrink. But they don't offer a scan to check if the egg(s) actually released. So it's all a guessing game. I then wished I'd insisted on the trigger shot.

Because of my condition, it is not recommended to rely on OPKs so I've not bothered - they were always so wrong for me in the past. We didn't want even more pressure on us this month. The same as temperature noting, it never works for me, so it really is a huge guessing & waiting game.

I never prepared myself mentally for a medicated 2WW. Put it this way, the last 2 weeks, have felt like 4 years. My goodness, it's gone slow! Symptom spotting, googling (til I was banned by hubs) and convincing myself I am defo not pregnant. Why would I be?? We've done everything right but things still don't work out for people who do everything right. Our stress levels are higher than usual because of our house move being messed up the week of exchange (it all comes at once doesn't it) 

Also, that lubricant they use during the ultrasounds, maybe that has ruined our chances? Maybe because I'm too negative (not allowing myself to believe it'll happen) I've ruined my own chances? 

Then, when those AF pains & signs start sliding in, you start trying to trick yourself, your body "nope that pain COULD mean pregnancy not necessarily AF..." You reluctantly enter them into Ovia to keep track for your following months & appointments all the questions you know you'll need to answer. Even Ovia starts betting against you "you reported . . . . This means your period is just around the corner!" Yea thanks! The realisation hits you, that your twins are in fact not your twins, that the hope you thought you hadn't allowed yourself to feel was still there. Infinite hope - is that human nature? Despite telling myself, and everyone, that I was convinced it wouldn't happen despite the positive signs, why oh why do I still feel like I've lost something? Something so precious, it never made it to earth. Whatever went wrong, went wrong... There are no words for how this feels.

One day . . . Maybe 

Anyway, off to do it all again next month if I can get a scan booked! 

The whole system is flawed. As I've mentioned, I take Clomid on cycle days 2-6 so on CD1 I have to call to book a scan for CD12 but if they don't have any available I have to not take it that month. It took me several hours to secure a scan booking on CD1 last month - I was told by a few people at the hospital "just wait for next month, there's none available" where's the guarantee there will be next month then?! And we've waited 20 months already, why make us wait more?? 

What if CD1 falls on a Saturday?? They won't open again for calls til CD3 so I'd have already begun that months treatment. As my consultant wants me to have the trigger injection next month which I can't have until after a scan has showed us what my follicles & lining are doing, it's all a lot of science. Science, luck and hope...