We've done it since we were young. Wished time away; wished an event to come quicker; wished for the summer holidays.
We, as adults, need to try to see the best in what we have in the here and now.
I have, over the past 18 months, been to rock bottom. This post is not about that but I need to acknowledge I was wishing time away. Wishing the horrible parts were gone (naturally). We suffered a family bereavement the same week I discovered my body hadn't been 'working' as females bodies are designed to work. We had a few other quite major things happen - all at the beginning of the year. I am not prepared to talk about them but safe to say the start of 2016 was awful beyond words.
I hated my life - I wanted it to change. There & then. I suppose then, it was self-preservation that kept me striving for the future; for nicer, happier times. That is fair.
Now I'm in slightly happier times - getting medical professional's assistance therefore feeling a bit more 'together' and taken seriously...
Now is the time for me to not only accept what I have got in the present but embrace it. Not to mourn for the past or obsess about the future; to live in the present. I am finding myself able to think "but I can have wine, medium-rare steak, cocktails & lay-ins in abundance" and to start to embrace what we are living now.
I am trying to do the same with every aspect of life, in the hope that one day if I do go on to have a child (or miracle of miracles - more than one) I will be able to feel the same. If I ever am, and feeling down in pregnancy, or when the baby cries and won't stop - I will be able to recognise that this is all temporary. You see everyday on social media, people moaning about pregnancy, or about their children. For someone suffering infertility, initially that hurts, as you can imagine. But of course they're entitled to moan - we all have our crosses to bear, as am I (although when I do, people often tell me I am not allowed to - that I'm being 'too negative' or 'bitter' despite these same people constantly moaning about their pregnancy/getting no sleep/child) - that unfair part, I'll never understand.
When we got our puppy, which many people have said is just like having a child (I wouldn't know!)
My husband used to get upset when she bit him (don't worry; not too hard!) or didn't listen to instructions "arrrrr! She's doing .... (insert cheeky pup antic here) again!!!!!!!" I always make sure to reply, "she's a puppy. It's what they do. One day - when she is old, frail and not able to do much at all - you'll wish these days back."
I am doing the same with every aspect of my life. Take moving home for example. I am trying not to get stressed when it looks to be going wrong, because do you know what?! I have a roof over my head, I am able to house my lil family comfortably and access everywhere I may need to go from our current house.
My infertility? It is enabling me to see my body in-depth that others may never get to see with their own. It is teaching me that not everyone can say "when I have children" (a MAJOR pet-hate of mine!) It is allowing me that extra two (or three or forever) years of honeymoon period with my husband. It's allowed me to get a promotion at work back when I'd assumed I'd be on maternity leave therefore I wouldn't have been available to go for the extra responsibility. It's awarded me with the ability to get a puppy and have time training her. It is allowing me to continue with weekend lie-ins, days at the races and spontaneous meals out. It has permitted us the time for a project house. It has opened my eyes to what countless females go through in the hope to one day have a child of their own.
It has changed me. And do you know what? I wouldn't want to go back to the pre-infertile Kerri.
