(5) The Day Our Lives Changed Forever (again)

The following week came, and with it sleepless nights, worrying and excited at the same time to see our lil bean again...

Some days whilst pregnant I am using the toilet more times than others. It was 10:20am I'd been 4 times during the night then around 8 more times since waking and getting ready.

I was in A LOT of pain waiting for my ultrasound (unbeknownst to us we had a 40 minute wait!!) I was deep breathing and gripping the chair. Now, my pain threshold isn't too poor and I was in agony. One of the ladies waiting told us "you can't struggle on like that - tell them"

The unsympathetic lady on reception told us "you need a full bladder but as you have a slight wait of 20 minutes (liar) you can let some out." 

So I did. Every 5 minutes I went back into that toilet until I was called. I was in so much pain it felt like I was being ripped from the inside. I said to my husband "I can't have someone touch my abdomen, I'm in too much pain, this isn't normal" I hadn't even drunk the full amount they'd recommended. 

I went in finally, they asked why I was back so soon (7 days after my last U/S) and I explained.

Now, down to business. Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "Oops, bladder too full I literally can see nothing" I said "seriously?! I'd more or less got rid of over half about 4 minutes ago!" (I'd got sick of waiting in so much pain so had more or less felt I'd emptied!)

She asked me to go and let 'at least two thirds out. Delighted, I did.

Back again (more comfortable now)  

Jelly squirted. Wand waved. "How is it still sooo full?! Do you mind if I do an internal ultrasound?? I still can't see from the abdominal one"

Although I've found most of my internal ultrasounds more comfortable than the abdominal ones (they press sooo hard!) I was dubious - I'd read in my research that total pelvic rest was best when a subchorionic hemorrhage is detected. I explained my worries and she said "us and the doctors are sure that will make no difference, besides I couldn't see an area of blood. I obviously won't do it if you don't want, but I recommend" I was a bit annoyed, I know it had to be painful last week but the lady then had got all she needed by persisting with the abdominal U/S.

I turned to my husband and he straight away said "do it"

Back to the toilet - empty bladder required. Bliss. I was grinning now. I was excited to see a less grainy image than last week too! And I wasn't in pain this time! Bonus!

So, no stranger to transvaginal ultrasounds, my lower layers of clothing were off before she could finish her instructions!

In it goes, I felt no discomfort at all. 

Well, not physically.

"I just need a colleague to come and look at something for me" - assistant runs out the door and brings back said colleague. Because enough people haven't seen my nether regions in the past 2 years!

"I can't see an area of blood at all  but I'm afraid there is no heartbeat, I'm so sorry"

Stupid fucking machines. Really, why is she using a broken machine to check for my baby's heartbeat?! Fucking amateur. {sorry inner thoughts}

Baby was measuring one day bigger than last Tuesday, not 7 days bigger as expected. It was so beautiful and peaceful on the screen - there's the sac, there's Lil Bean. Just, as my husband put it "no beacon of light" this time.

I'll take this opportunity to mention my husband has been to so many ultrasounds (every single one in 2 years) he could be a sonographer. He later told me, after leaving, that he panicked the very first time - he was looking for the flashing heartbeat but didn't see it. He'd hoped it was because of the full bladder but from the internal, he lost hope before she even said those words.

Anyway, I expressed my annoyance in the proper British way - passive aggressive. Overly polite then turned the air blue. I told all 3 (whilst still having something big & bulbous stuck inside me) that their hospital was shit. That their staff were awful. I explained the useless doctor's refusal to scan me last week - I could have saved myself a week of hope if she'd just done her job. They sympathised, of course.

I then visited the gynaecology department. They are soooo much nicer to you there when you walk in and announce "my baby has no heartbeat". No hard plastic chairs, no 3-6 hour wait. No useless doctor telling me I don't matter.

My 4 options were explained to me. In short, wait and revisit in the comfort of your own home when your body catches up with Lil Bean's. Take a pessary. Surgery under local anaesthetic. Surgery under general. The lady was lovely. I think she had a tear in her eye when I told her I don't ovulate naturally and this took almost 2 years to get to this stage. She told me I didn't have to make any decisions now. She told me, she's been working here a year and had recently got told "1 in 3 pregnancies end in a miscarriage". 

I took in enough of it, and was given a booklet of step by step information to fill the gaps.

My body is, at the time of writing this, still very much pregnant. Nausea, (very) frequent urination, strong food aversions, strong cravings, major breast engorgement, bloating. My body is still walking around proudly saying "look at me, look what we made and I'm holding and keeping safe". It hasn't yet got the memo that Lil Bean stopped the ride. It got off.

Well. Next tell both sets of parents. Tears ahoy.

Back home, read the leaflet. After reading every single awful word, promptly throw booklet across the room. Then throw my useless half-full box of Pregnacare across the room. 

"Stop the ride. I want to get off."

None of the options right now are viable to me so I guess I'm waiting. Waiting for my "just making sure your machine wasn't on the blink" scan on Thursday 27th (I'm writing this the morning after the internal scan on Tuesday 25th) then waiting for an epiphany.

Now, I am one strong character. As is my husband. We've both suffered countless losses in our lives.

But let me tell you, if they gave me that booklet and made me read every single word, told me the new figure is 1 in 3 pregnancies end too soon, before giving me fertility treatment. Made me face up to one of these disgusting 'options' having to be put upon my body and mind, I don't know if I'd have ever taken those Clomid tablets. 

I'm sure that may change over time, but right now that's where my head is at. Please don't get me wrong - every Clomid hot flush, headache, abdominal pain, every pregnancy symptom, every hospital dash, each worry, every single tear - was worth it for our Lil Bean. I did not once complain, I went with the flow of a difficult pregnancy, as I knew we were getting our sheer miracle Lil Bean at the end. I am not coping well emotionally and I'm petrified of making the wrong decision and making my body poorly on top. The risks of the surgery options make me worry for our future; if we're ever brave (and stupid) enough to try again. The emotional risk of waiting it out is wringing me (and hubs) out already.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. No one promised you a baby at the end of all your hard work. That's life, life is shit.

But I'm alive. I must keep that going because I am alive. Being alive is not something to be taken for granted and I intend to live everyday showing our Lil Bean (who is up there safe now with her grandad, great grandads, great nans and all the others) that I am not taking my life for granted.

So, what now? Well, now I feel a sense of peace about the future that I have not felt since December 2014. I'm going to go with that and see where it takes me.

EDIT: We went to our scan on Thursday 27th. They tried to take me in the same room. I began shaking, repeating 'no no no no help' and crying (yes, in the middle of the waiting room surrounded by 10 pregnant people and 5 members of staff). Thy took me to another room. 

Turns out the machine wasn't broken. Our baby has died.

Now I'm still pregnant but won't have any baby to physically show for it... But I am a mummy. We conceived, made a baby that made it to the size of a raspberry; a ladybird. Now the next hurdle is when and how our baby will be coming out... 

More waiting! I should be a pro at that by now! The hospital said they give you 2 weeks to see if it happens naturally in that time. If not, you go back in and re-discuss the options. My husband joked "so we're on the Two Week Wait again then? We're no strangers to that are we darling?!!"

(4) These things are sent to test us

Our happiness was allowed to manifest for 3 whole hours.

We visited a shopping centre and stopped at a nearby restaurant.

As I always need the toilet recently, I went to the restaurant bathroom before leaving.

My world span. Deep red/mahogany blood; as heavy as AF.

Fuck.

Excuse my language but if you've ever been there, or you've ever wanted a baby as much as we do, or you've ever fought as hard as we have to get to this stage, you'll know there's no other word but FUCK.

I almost walked through the wrong door out of the bathroom I was so daunted.

Tried to phone the hospital; no answer. Of course, people aren't allowed to have a problem outside of the hours of 9-5 are they.

Straight back to the hospital. This time a slightly shorter wait. This time a less sympathetic 'doctor' refused to do any tests. I kinda understood why - as there was already blood, she didn't want to irritate it further.

I spoke to my fertility nurse the next day, who then insisted on booking me another scan for exactly a weeks time to check baby. She said she wasn't sure if they could get me in the next day but she'd check but my body just didn't feel up to that so soon, and the 'doctor' the night before had told my husband in no uncertain terms that a baby can't die over just a few short hours (how naive were we to listen?!) You have to listen to your body and mine wasn't ready to be poked and prodded yet again so soon. She asked about the bleeding and any pain. I was pleased to report there was no pain (odd for me - pretty much the whole pregnancy was peppered with different pains and aches!) The bleeding had also tapered by the time we were home from hospital - to more of a brown spotting. 20 minutes after I spoke to her, I had some mahogany blood again instead of spotting but it was so light in comparison to AF I rode it out and within several hours it was back to brown spotting.

I've done some research and discovered I probably should have been warned by the sonographer that I may bleed due to the area of blood.

I tried to relax and was worried (petrified) my scan would dislodge more and my life would be a carousel of scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, scan, bleed, A&E, rest, until June. I also briefly had an illogical worry we wouldn't see a heartbeat but was reassured that the amount of blood I saw was not the contents of a womb coming away. I was also reassured because I googled Lil Bean's heartbeat and am proud to report it was BRILLIANT! Not on the cusp, not a single concern. Nice and strong. The size was measuring spot-on to the day too! 

Just the matter of this bleed - called a subchorionic hemorrhage. I did some research and found it is a complication. It does have the potential to cause heartache but resting seemed to be the way forward. Looking at my paperwork, the size of Lil Bean's gestational sac was HUGE in comparison to the area of blood. This is good news and meant, with rest, I could dare hope the blood had either absorbed back into my body, or the bleed on Tuesday had dispelled it. 

A lot can change in a week.

(3) Lil Bean's Early Scan 6w4d

I was vaguely reassured by the internal exam (although of course it caused a little more blood - typical for me).

The blood was gone by lunchtime the next day. I rested up for a few days and generally spent every moment worrying but trying to think positively.

Everyone who already knew, were pinning a lot of hope on the scan I had booked for when I was 6 weeks 4 days. My fertility nurse had ordered this early scan as there was a chance I would be carrying 2, 3 or 4 babies as I'd had 4 developed follicles at my Clomid scan.

I had read that seeing a heartbeat wasn't guaranteed during your 6th week so I (as usual) assumed the worst - that I would not see a heartbeat yet.

We arrived about 10 mins early for our appointment. We were far from strangers in this department - I'd had lots of ultrasounds previously but never for this before.

I couldn't help but feel excited! 

We went in (I was absolutely BUSTING to use the toilet!!) and the lady had to press quite hard to get what she wanted. She kept saying "you've been through your fair share of transvaginal ultrasounds so I want to avoid one now, if possible".

I mentioned the spotting that had taken place 6 days previously. She said she'd look out for a reason.

Then... "WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!" The lady excitedly exclaimed! 

Our miracle Lil Bean

She took all the measurements she needed, and kept pressing very hard. It was very painful. I kept asking "are you SURE that's a baby??" She was laughing and saying "yes!"

As we'd got our fluttering on the screen we'd so desperately hoped for, I did not have to have an internal ultrasound (which was strange but nice as they can be uncomfortable but I'm so used to them!)

The lady said "I think I've found why you had the spotting last week..." It turned out there was an 'area of blood' in my uterus. She did not seem bothered by this at all so neither were we!

We were given our grainy pictures of our little miracle - half of me and half of him all nestled into MY body. Wonderful. On top of the world is too low to cover how we felt.

We rung our mums and gave them the happy news.

(2) The Day Our Lives Changed Forever

Somehow I waited until the Saturday morning to test.

My one main concern was what do I do in the event that I come on AF on a Saturday?? Can I still start my Clomid the following day?? Even though I'd need a scan booked before taking it, which I can't book over the weekend. 

You see, I always avoid pregnancy tests. Everyone knows they're evil - far too negative for my liking! I wait until the latest possible time to do them. What has always happened in the past is I take the test once it's been over a certain amount of time (around 30 days on a medicated cycle as I've seen how developed the follicles are and can predict ovulation, 38-40 days on a non-medicated cycle because let's face it, ovulating unmedicated is like asking King Henry VIII to stay single!) then once I've had to take a test, I come on AF that day. Just to cement what the tests have said. This has been the norm for every month I've been forced to take a test - each month I've been 'late' (is there even such a thing as being late with PCOS??!)

I woke up the Saturday absolutely BUSTING to use the toilet whilst it was still pitch-black out on Saturday morning. I never sleep through the night without using the toilet once anyway. I usually last mostly until around 4-5am so that's not too bad, and it's normal for me.

I knew I needed to do a test as I'd still not come on, and it was cycle day 30 & 16-18 days after suspected ovulation (an ordinary cycle is considered around 14 days from Ovulation to AF) I HATE PREGNANCY TESTS!!

I checked the time upon waking, after going to bed around midnight Friday night... 2:18am WHAT?! I needed the toilet so badly I was in pain. I googled "how long to leave it until FMU (first morning urine)" and the general consensus was 4-6 hours.

I was seriously not able to even consider that... So I waited because I felt like I had to... In pain...

Then checked the time again when I just couldn't take it... 2:30am.

It was going to have to do, and if I got a negative (which is what I was expecting of course) I would just have to do another with Sunday's FMU to cement it if I didn't start to bleed later on Saturday.

I did the test, I turned around, put it on top of the toilet, turned back to pull my PJs up, glanced round and TWO HUGE DARK PINK LINES were staring up at me, daring me to believe it!! They say wait 5 mins but my goodness it had only been 20 seconds maximum!!

I was shaking more than you could ever imagine. I re-read the instructions - surely they've changed the design of the tests, that 2 lines must now mean Not Pregnant like I've always been before?!

I ran back to the bedroom and grabbed my mobile - I needed hard, physical photographic evidence of this to even begin to start believing it!

I went to get my husband. I woke him and said "I need you to come with me to do a test, I want you with me..." We held hands on the way to the bathroom. I pointed to the test on top of the lid - he then shouted "IT WORKED!! It worked?!" We hugged, both ecstatic. Nothing could touch us in that moment...

We excitedly sat and worked out our EDD (9th June 2017) then chatted and chatted and squealed and embraced.

At 4:30am his work alarm went off so he'd only had 2 hours sleep!

By the time I woke up around 8am, alone, I was convinced it was a dream. I sleepily rung him to check... To which he replied "go and look in the bathroom if you don't believe it - the evidence is there - I looked just before I came to work!"

That was the Saturday, two days before my birthday.

We had so many celebrations coming up and everyone seemed overly interested in the (clearly non-alcoholic) contents of my glasses!

From the day I got the positive result - I had cramping. The sore breasts continued until the Tuesday... Then I started to panic. 

Most of my symptoms were waning/changing.

I spoke with my fertility nurse who assured me they will come and go so not to look too much into it.

As I'd had 4 follicles grown on Cycle Day 11 there was a chance of twins, triplets or quads depending on what had released, when & met the sperm... So she booked me an early scan for when I would be 6 and a half weeks...

My eternal happiness lasted approximately 24 hours from that test; then reality hit. If I lose this lil bean, where do we go from here?? Everyone knows how common miscarriages are, especially in the first pregnancy. But I can't lose this baby - it's not 5 weeks old it's bloody 22 months - I cannot do this all again!! I found myself waking through the night, not concentrating on work, just worrying at every waking and sleeping moment. The level of stress and worry I felt, I can't describe. The amount of love for this lil bean there are no words in any dictionary to tell the depth of it; I felt it so strongly already.

A week and 4 days after that delighted Saturday, I'd had one, maybe two, days reprieve from the period-type pelvic cramping.

It came back with vengeance that day...

I tried not to panic (failed miserably) and then that afternoon I encountered the dreaded spotting. Pink smears, then brown...

I phoned my mum & hubs and he met me at the local hospital.

6 hours of waiting later, a doctor internally examined me (I was terrified this would harm the baby but was assured it wouldn't so I have to trust...)

He saw a "tightly closed cervix" which is apparently really good news ...

(1) Clomid Month 2...

I was so, so down over the 2WW (Two Week Wait) of my second month of medicated cycle. I kept seeing pregnancy announcements, Throwback Thursday's of positive tests & close-up scan pictures, hearing talk about babies EVERYWHERE.

I didn't dare dream of anything and simply logged my symptoms daily so I could keep track.

I'd been to my normal post-Clomid scan on cycle day 11 from taking my 50mg Clomid on cycle days 2-6 again.

At that internal ultrasound, we were told that FOUR follicles had grown - one 20mm, one 18mm & one 14mm! I was shocked as this ovary the previous month was still polycystic, with no dominant follicle. The other ovary at this second month's ultrasound had a further 19mm follicle totalling 4!

I was told to expect to ovulate within 12-36 hours...

And was instructed to NOT use the trigger injection I'd been prescribed the month before as, in the words of the fertility nurse, I was "over-cooked"!!

That whole following week (6 days in total) I was in pain. I had deep pelvic cramps and a warm bath barely touched the sides. It was so confusing - what was going on?! Had I ovulated?! Was I getting OHSS?? Was I left with an over-grown cyst that had failed to release??

Anyway, the 2WW was excruciating. The over-riding thought in my mind was "why would it happen this month?! It never has before"

I had one symptom that felt slightly different... Nipple soreness (hey, no one said it would be glamorous!) 

Wednesday afternoon (cycle day 27) at work I got really hot and felt sick. One of my colleagues winked conspiratorially at me... To which I snapped "no I won't be pregnant - that kind of things happens to other people not me!!" 

I'd been suffering hot flushes and headaches throughout this cycle so the uncomfortable temperature I felt, I simply put down to this.

I was expecting to start Cycle Day 1 by that Wednesday; Thursday at the latest as if I'd ovulated 14-16 days earlier I was due to come on at any time now...

Clomid month 1 - all of the feels

I assumed (naively) if they give you medication, you would trust it and just flow through the weeks but no, I'm worrying about EVERYTHING! It's like a plug has been let out! And I said, if we ever go on to actually have a positive - I'll worry all through the pregnancy, then I'll worry for every day of it's life!!

My experience of my first treatment-aided month...

I was so, so scared of taking Clomid. I'd heard some real horror stories of how it's affected others. Other than one really random (but awful) headache on CD14, I couldn't detect any side effects my first month - which I'm hugely grateful for. About a week after suspected ovulation, I started getting VERY VERY irritable, snapping at people and my patience was on ZERO.

I took the tablets on days 2-6 

My ultrasound scan was on CD12 (they like to do it on CD10-14) 

It showed one large follicle - already measuring 21mm (my condition means my multiple follicles never grow past 10mm so I don't ovulate with a dominant follicle) the second was 17m, and a third if it felt like it could have also gone on to release because at CD12 it was already 14mm. The sonographer said "it looks like you could end up with twins, if all three go - triplets!" My lining was measuring 8.5 and he said "this is out of a text book - perfect lining" 

We were both delighted - hopping around! I even fist pumped and hissed "yesssss" whilst still on the table in stirrups. I know this sounds stupid but I feel this is what it must feel like to see a BFP! The elation, the knowledge your body is actually working. We must realise, this is NOT a BFP by a long shot - I am now just as fertile as the other already naturally fertile females in the world and our actual chance of conception is only slightly higher than a non-medicated person's.

He said "next month, collect this prescription on your way to your scan, I want to do this trigger shot" which is an injection that makes the egg release... But I wasn't to have it this first month, we were to let nature take it's course now...

I then googled. I read that Clomid is very good at growing follicles but them not releasing which would end in an enlarged cyst which often causes pain. You cannot take your next month of Clomid with one of these, you need to wait for it to shrink. But they don't offer a scan to check if the egg(s) actually released. So it's all a guessing game. I then wished I'd insisted on the trigger shot.

Because of my condition, it is not recommended to rely on OPKs so I've not bothered - they were always so wrong for me in the past. We didn't want even more pressure on us this month. The same as temperature noting, it never works for me, so it really is a huge guessing & waiting game.

I never prepared myself mentally for a medicated 2WW. Put it this way, the last 2 weeks, have felt like 4 years. My goodness, it's gone slow! Symptom spotting, googling (til I was banned by hubs) and convincing myself I am defo not pregnant. Why would I be?? We've done everything right but things still don't work out for people who do everything right. Our stress levels are higher than usual because of our house move being messed up the week of exchange (it all comes at once doesn't it) 

Also, that lubricant they use during the ultrasounds, maybe that has ruined our chances? Maybe because I'm too negative (not allowing myself to believe it'll happen) I've ruined my own chances? 

Then, when those AF pains & signs start sliding in, you start trying to trick yourself, your body "nope that pain COULD mean pregnancy not necessarily AF..." You reluctantly enter them into Ovia to keep track for your following months & appointments all the questions you know you'll need to answer. Even Ovia starts betting against you "you reported . . . . This means your period is just around the corner!" Yea thanks! The realisation hits you, that your twins are in fact not your twins, that the hope you thought you hadn't allowed yourself to feel was still there. Infinite hope - is that human nature? Despite telling myself, and everyone, that I was convinced it wouldn't happen despite the positive signs, why oh why do I still feel like I've lost something? Something so precious, it never made it to earth. Whatever went wrong, went wrong... There are no words for how this feels.

One day . . . Maybe 

Anyway, off to do it all again next month if I can get a scan booked! 

The whole system is flawed. As I've mentioned, I take Clomid on cycle days 2-6 so on CD1 I have to call to book a scan for CD12 but if they don't have any available I have to not take it that month. It took me several hours to secure a scan booking on CD1 last month - I was told by a few people at the hospital "just wait for next month, there's none available" where's the guarantee there will be next month then?! And we've waited 20 months already, why make us wait more?? 

What if CD1 falls on a Saturday?? They won't open again for calls til CD3 so I'd have already begun that months treatment. As my consultant wants me to have the trigger injection next month which I can't have until after a scan has showed us what my follicles & lining are doing, it's all a lot of science. Science, luck and hope...

The Longer Than Expected Honeymoon Period

Our honeymoon period began around September 2010... And is still going! We are about as 'soppy' now as when we first got together! That's just the way we are, why do things apart when you can do them together? We enjoy talking about the same things and going to the same places. We enjoy the same film genres, restaurants and pastimes. He is my best friend, the person at the top of my Calls list (2nd to my mum of course - I am a girl after all!) when I feel oh so alone in the world, or let down by someone else's actions or words, he's there. My constant. My shield.

Since becoming an official couple, we have been fortunate enough to visit Crete, Egypt several times, Spain, Rhodes, Kefalonia, Santorini & stayed in the May Fair Hotel in London.

We've experienced things I personally had never, before him. Foods I had never even thought of, restaurants I would have not felt I 'deserved' to eat in, films I'd previously not come across.

He's opened up my world so much, and with that comes contentment as a couple. We decide what we are doing together, and we enjoy doing it together. 

We got married in August 2014, and started trying for a baby in December 2014. We'd, like most couples, had countless discussions leading up to this monumental decision. He'd said, once we'd moved in together (October 2013) that he could be ready. Well, I put him straight right away!! He'd proposed 3 weeks before we moved out so I had a wedding dress to fit into in 10 month's time , there was no way I was risking that not fitting by getting pregnant!!

From my experience, the man is ready before us, and why should that not be the case?! As I pointed out to him on more than one occasion - your body, job & life in general doesn't change half as much as it would for me!

We started trying in the December, after lots of chats. We knew we wanted a honeymoon at some point but weren't particularly bothered about when - we would work it round a pregnancy. We booked our honeymoon to Santorini several months later, and enjoyed a fortnight of adventures in August 2015.

In this time, we thought we would be pregnant. Every month, you know how it is, crushed us. 

But, did it?? Yes, internally, a part of us is missing. We each have a hole; a space inside, that we desperately want to fill. But - we've had - and are still experiencing our amazing honeymoon period. Currently, we're on 6 years of honeymoon period and hopefully have many more years to come. Yes we thought we would have a child of our own by now - we could have had as old as a 10 month old by now! 

Has this forced wait cemented our relationship to the extent very little other obstacles would? Certainly.

Have we had different adventures to those we would have if we'd got pregnant within 21 months?? I'd say so.

Have we been able to have a long, fun-filled honeymoon period? Definitely.

Have we got to know each other better than ever in the 3 years we've lived together, and the two we've been married? Yes.

We have spent quality time together just us two, then 5 years into our relationship we got a lil puppy. Who taught us something I think we already knew; to succeed, we must stick together. We must be a team. Whether we have children or not, we must be a unit.

I feel so happy to have been given this extended opportunity (which is of course, possibly a permanent opportunity for us) to have real quality time just him and I; our unexpected honeymoon period.